Chapter 22: Pain
Cui Jingkong circled the mountain path more than ten times, then headed deep into the forest. The grass gradually became dense, making it inconvenient to ride.
He dismounted first. Feng Yuzhen was frozen on the horse’s back, at a loss. Cui Jingkong then lifted her down by the waist.
She had already followed him all this way. This place was rarely visited by people. It was too late to be afraid now. Feng Yuzhen steeled herself and followed behind him. The young man pushed aside the bushes in front of him and suddenly stepped to the side. Her vision opened up, and a turquoise lake rushed into her eyes.
The lake, surrounded by ancient trees, was like a smooth mirror, its surface shimmering with specks of light. Feng Yuzhen’s eyes flickered. She looked up, and countless stars were woven into a fine net, twinkling in the azure night sky, shining brightly.
Cui Jingkong picked up a stone and threw it into the lake with a splash. In an instant, countless points of white light rose from the grass at her feet, like a sparkling galaxy condensing at her feet. After a moment, they scattered, flitting across the lake and the grass.
She held out her hand, and a firefly landed on her fingertip. The person beside her quietly watched her dazed profile and asked, “Has he ever brought you here?”
He?
“No,” Feng Yuzhen came back to her senses, her eyes also reflecting the twinkling lights. “We lived in front of the mountain. I never knew there was a lake in the back.”
She quickly connected his unusual behavior these past few days. “Kong’ge’er, have you been busy with this these past few days?”
Cui Jingkong nodded in acknowledgment. The cool breeze by the lake dispelled the heat. The two of them stood side by side. Feng Yuzhen asked, “Why did you do this for me…?”
As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she had made a big mistake. She quickly averted her gaze, but Cui Jingkong’s eyes were locked on her face. “Doesn’t Sister-in-law know?”
Why is he still like this…
Feng Yuzhen was troubled but couldn’t say much. After all, her brother-in-law had brought her out to relax out of kindness. The night wind was gentle, and the fluorescence in the forest slowly faded, the lake returning to its calm.
The two of them rode back together, but this time they slowed down, and it was much more comfortable.
Feng Yuzhen had shouted to her heart’s content tonight. Rocking on the horse’s back made her drowsy. She had been trying to fight off the sleepiness and had almost fallen forward. In the end, she had unintentionally fallen asleep on the shoulder of the person behind her.
The next morning, she opened her eyes in bed. The sun was warm and comforting. She had had a rare good night’s sleep. A sprig of calming jasmine was placed by her pillow.
Life must go on, she thought. Just like the fireflies dancing in the sky last night, or the black horse galloping through the mountains, she could always accumulate some memories worth cherishing, to fill the void and become a new pillar of support in the future.
***
In mid-June, Feng Yuzhen finally got her wish and brought back a few chickens from the market.
It was a funny story. When Cui Jingkong came home that day, the chickens were in the yard catching insects. As soon as he entered the door, they flew at him.
After a commotion, his dark hair was sticking out in all directions with a few miscellaneous chicken feathers, and his cool face had a touch of worldly warmth.
And so, eggs were regularly served at the dinner table, most of which went into Cui Jingkong’s stomach. He had decided to take the autumn provincial examination in August, which meant there were less than two months left, so he became even busier.
One night, Feng Yuzhen got up to use the restroom. It was already late at night, the stars were scattered across the sky, but a candle was still lit on Cui Jingkong’s desk.
It seemed that everything was getting back on track, but she was worried. The storybook had mentioned that Cui Jingkong would be plotted against this time and would fail the examination.
Feng Yuzhen hesitated whether to tell him about this predetermined conspiracy. But even if she did, the current Cui Jingkong was just a poor scholar, with no ability to fight against the mastermind.
Besides, if Cui Jingkong were to ask her how she knew, she couldn’t just confess like a fool that she was a mountain spirit who had lived two lives, could she?
But if she didn’t say anything, and just kept it to herself, she couldn’t help but blame herself, feeling that she was letting down her brother-in-law who had helped her several times. So she could only bury her head and be extra good to him, even peeling the eggs for him and placing them cleanly in his bowl.
***
Outside the window, floating clouds obscured the moon, and the light was dim. Feng Yuzhen lay in bed, feeling an emptiness in her heart tonight, as if she had forgotten something important.
Her thoughts were pulled back by a sudden noise from outside. It sounded like a bowl or something had been broken.
Feng Yuzhen asked through the door, “Kong’ge’er, did a mouse knock over a bowl?”
No answer.
Something’s wrong. Feng Yuzhen got up. There was no way Cui Jingkong would be in bed at this hour. Besides, the noise just now had been very loud in the quiet night. Could Cui Jingkong be such a deep sleeper?
She put on her outer robe and opened the door. The main room was pitch black. She went back to get the oil lamp and lit the wick.
This time, when she looked again, Cui Jingkong was lying on his floor mat with his back to her, but he was fully dressed, and his body was twitching strangely. A few pieces of a teacup were scattered by his outstretched left hand.
She didn’t even have time to comb her hair. She quickly walked over with the lamp and placed it to the side. Now she could see more clearly—
Cui Jingkong’s eyes were tightly closed, his breathing was barely audible, and blood was slowly seeping from his eyes, ears, and the corners of his lips. The dark red bloodstains crisscrossed his otherwise noble, jade-like face.
In a flash, the image of the waning moon accompanied by clouds outside the window leaped to her mind. Feng Yuzhen remembered that today was the twenty-third of the seventh month.
Many times, the descriptions in the storybook were not very specific. For example, Cui Jingkong had a very difficult time at this time every month. Feng Yuzhen only knew that he would stay alone and endure it, but she had never expected it to be so torturous.
Cui Jingkong’s consciousness had completely dissipated. She couldn’t carry him to the bed like last time. Feng Yuzhen hurriedly walked away in her slippers and returned with a bowl of water.
She hesitated for a moment, then knelt down, lifted Cui Jingkong’s head, and placed it on her lap. The young man’s lips opened and closed slightly a couple of times.
Feng Yuzhen thought he was talking to her, so she bent down and listened, only to hear an unconscious murmur, “…Pain.”
Her heart softened, and her voice became gentle. She brought the bowl to his lips. “Here, have some water. You’ll feel much better.”
I don’t want water. I don’t want anything else. Cui Jingkong thought in a daze. I just want my widowed sister-in-law to touch me. Anywhere is fine.
As long as she touches me, the damn cursed pain will disappear. But he couldn’t speak. He could only lie there like a cripple, begging for her in his heart, a thousand, ten thousand times, like a man possessed.
Cui Jingkong was in a wretched state. Feng Yuzhen carefully wiped the bloodstains with a handkerchief, but found that his eyes and the corners of his lips were still slowly bleeding.
The pain rose and fell like a tide with her wiping. Only then did Cui Jingkong, exhausted, break free from the intense pain. He turned his head with difficulty and realized he was resting on her lap.
His widowed sister-in-law had gained some weight in the past two months and had gradually emerged from her grief, but she was still far from being plump. The legs under his head were slender and bony, and a little uncomfortable.
For some reason, his throat tightened. He called her, “Sister-in-law.”
Compared to the last time when she was at a loss, seeing his horrifying appearance this time, she showed very little fear, as if she had expected it.
Feng Yuzhen answered, and found that the person on her lap had half-opened his eyes. “You’re awake? Do you still feel unwell?”
“My head hurts,” he turned his head and rested his forehead on the back of her hand with an effort. “It hurts so much I can’t bear it.”
The young man’s eyes were half-closed, his eyelashes dotted with blood. “Sister-in-law, have pity on me.”
Feng Yuzhen had no choice. She untied her brother-in-law’s hair and gently massaged his temples with her thumbs.
But Cui Jingkong was not satisfied with these small favors she was giving him. He raised his hand and grabbed his widowed sister-in-law’s slender wrist, as if begging humbly, his voice hoarse. “Since Sister-in-law pities my brother, why can’t you pity me?”
Feng Yuzhen’s hand trembled, and she lowered her voice, as if afraid a third person would hear these absurd words.
She tried to persuade him earnestly, “Kong’ge’er, I am your brother’s wife. Even if I’m not on the family register, Cui Ze and I were a real couple. An elder sister-in-law is like a mother. It’s very wrong for you to think this way.”
She really wanted the young man to take her heartfelt words to heart, but Cui Jingkong didn’t care. He opened himself up and showed his widowed sister-in-law his pain, forcing her to soften:
“My brother was much luckier than me. He was raised by the main residence since he was a child. The abbot hated me and kicked me out to beg when I was ten, saying I was the reincarnation of an unlucky star and deserved to be lonely all my life. Do I deserve to suffer like this?”
“It will pass. It will all pass.” The woman’s weak hand slowly combed his long hair, her fingers running through it. Mothers in the village often combed their children’s hair like this. “You will become the top scholar in the future, a high official, buy a big house, and have no worries about food and clothing.”
Feng Yuzhen’s words were extremely confident, as if she never doubted that he could do all this.
She patiently comforted him. Her face was illuminated a dim yellow by the oil lamp, her expression gentle, her long, waterfall-like hair loose, wearing only two layers of clothes, her collar open, revealing her delicate collarbones and two small hollows.
Cui Jingkong’s eyelids twitched. He felt something was completely out of his control, like an arrow that had missed its target and could never be taken back.
A hot surge suddenly rose in his chest, sealing his mouth. He could only stare blankly at her chin, at the red mole at the corner of her mouth.
“…You will marry a decent and noble woman. In short, it’s impossible for us. This is incest. If the villagers find out—our reputations will be ruined. We’ll be driven out, or even drowned.”
“What about other places?” He became interested, his usually indifferent and deep eyes shooting out a fervent light. “Can’t we find a place where no one knows our identities and live there?”
A crazed look appeared in his eyes, and the vulnerability he had just feigned was torn away, becoming an illusory bubble. Feng Yuzhen was at her wit’s end. The two of them were silent for a while. Seeing that he had improved a lot, she planned to go back to her room.
“Kong’ge’er, I…”
Before she could finish, Cui Jingkong suddenly trembled. Feng Yuzhen was startled and saw that he had actually coughed up a small mouthful of blood!
“Why is it so bad again!” She quickly tried to stop it with a handkerchief. It had clearly stopped just now.
Feng Yuzhen held the lamp to look at his blood-red lips. Cui Jingkong obediently let her look, took the bowl to rinse his mouth, and spat out all the blood.
He secretly sucked his tongue. His mouth was full of the taste of rust, and the tip of his tongue was sore, almost numb. He had bitten it hard in his haste just now. He wouldn’t be able to drink hot water or hot soup for the next half a month.
But it didn’t matter. He watched Feng Yuzhen’s anxious expression in a daze and thought, Perhaps it’s because it hurts too much tonight. I don’t want her to go.
So, please, Sister-in-law, have more pity on me. Stay by my side.