Chapter 3. To not love (4)
Fernciana watched as the caravan disappeared into the distance. The wheels of the wagons kicked up clouds of dust, but even those quickly faded, and soon the caravan vanished from sight. Fernciana turned away just as the last wisps of the distant dust cloud brushed against her breath.
The capital, Pomilas, was further north from here, in the opposite direction of where she was headed.
Ilyas had listened to her words silently. He didn’t mock or tease her when she said she wanted to go find that village based only on what the shopkeeper had said.
She joked that she thought he would say she was just having silly thoughts again, but Ilyas didn’t laugh. When she said they should part ways here, he simply asked once if she would be alright.
Fernciana nodded with a smile, and Ilyas told her to take care. He said he would settle the commission fee and return it, but Fernciana shook her head.
When she said to come find her in the capital if he needed work done, Ilyas sighed, saying he was afraid of how much interest would accrue. Then he set off towards the capital with the caravan people.
“Really, we weren’t together that long…”
The road heading southwest with her belongings was a solitary one. Fernciana inwardly clicked her tongue and berated herself, but neither her emotions nor reality changed.
She was the only one on the road, and it was terribly lonely.
‘Maybe I should have asked him to come along?’
But there was no reason for Ilyas to agree. If his business was dealing with information, he had neither the time nor reason to visit a small village that wasn’t even properly marked on maps.
From the start, their contract wasn’t about traveling together to some nameless village, but about investigating the Emerald Tabula and the imperial family tree.
‘I’ll just check out what kind of people are there, then go back to the capital and see Ilyas again.’
Isn’t that what good friends do? Though it’s questionable whether Ilyas considers her a friend, Fernciana finished rationalizing and continued walking. According to the directions from the shopkeeper, she needed to walk briskly. There were no passing carriages to hitch a ride on, so walking was the only option.
The shopkeeper had said that if she walked without stopping, she could reach Desidiera before the afternoon sun set.
Fernciana walked as if treading on clouds, taking a handful of eracil from her pocket and popping it into her mouth. While Ilyas would get motion sickness in carriages, she tended to get nauseous from walking.
“Oh, it really works?”
After chewing and swallowing the seeds with water from her bottle, she felt her churning stomach settle. Fernciana paused her brisk walk and rubbed her abdomen. A fleeting sense of regret passed through her mind, wondering how she had lived without knowing about this wonderful remedy until now, but she quickly brushed it aside.
As she continued walking, with the sun reaching its zenith, Fernciana had to admit that at this pace, she wouldn’t reach Desidiera even by the next day. And there was only one reason why her pace wasn’t picking up.
Fernciana raised both hands and slapped her cheeks with a resounding smack.
“Get it together, Fernciana!”
You’re lonely because you’re all alone in this world, that’s why!
But that very sentence, meant to pull herself together, instantly crumbled Fernciana’s resolve. She lowered her head and stared at the dirt ground. Dark, round stains began to appear on the ground, but Fernciana couldn’t lift her head.
She felt wronged, resentful, lonely, and miserable.
If this was because she had lived happily without other thoughts for sixteen years, she thought the divine scales must surely be broken, but there was no way to turn it back. So Fernciana lived only to hate others and destroy what they had. For years, she had set her mind on killing and eliminating, sharpening her blade.
Such hatred and murderous intent were like a bladeless knife, and the tighter she gripped it, the sharper she honed it, the more it cut into her own flesh, but she couldn’t let go. All her remaining time was rotting away in loneliness and hatred.
And then,
She returned.
It was as if there was a god who had belatedly fixed the scales. The last moments of Ser were still etched in her heart, but she could realize that his dying words were not to hate others, and at the end of that path where she had cried her heart out, there was Ilyas.
Her heart softened instantly at that slight kindness from her companion who, while grumbling about her napping without even a blanket, still covered her with one. It was the first warm and gentle thing to reach her in years by her reckoning. To him, it was nothing but a casual kindness, something he would extend to anyone.
When spring comes at the end of winter and sunlight touches the seeds, do the seeds sprout and bloom because that sunlight is something special and precious that comes only to them? The sun simply shines its immature light everywhere, yet the seeds that have barely survived winter have no choice but to bloom.
However, she knew very well that the sun was not hers alone.
‘Just the thought that I might have family, perhaps even blood relations, has made me like this…’
And now, overcome with loneliness on this road, how disappointed would she be if things weren’t as she hoped when she reached Desidiera?
Fernciana heaved a deep sigh, patted her cheeks again, and wiped away the tears that had fallen.
She didn’t realize she would cry like this just from feeling a little lonely. Fernciana rubbed the tear-stained ground with her toe. And it was then that she looked up.
“What’s this? You push people away saying you’ll go alone, and now you’re crying by yourself? Hmm?”
“Huh? I-Ilyas?”
Fernciana unconsciously opened her eyes wide. In front of her stood Ilyas, sweat dripping from his chin, smiling at her.
*
“My, I can’t take my eyes off you.”
“It’s not like that~!”
Ilyas glanced at the road where carriages were passing and straightened his posture. The merchant in the driver’s seat glanced at him.
“Did the young master say he had some business?”
“Yes.”
Ilyas nodded with a gentle smile. His expression seemed utterly nonchalant, but as soon as he finished answering, he glanced back at the carriage again. There was no one chasing them, yet he had been doing this constantly.
It was no wonder the merchant said he couldn’t take his eyes off him.
“Well, the young master is quite small in stature, but you could have gone to Pomilas together if it wasn’t urgent… Are you alone?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Hmm, seems like it wasn’t just a hired mercenary, but someone special.”
Ilyas found that comment a bit amusing and smiled, but the merchant just shrugged at his smile. Ilyas lightly brushed the ends of his hair that were tickling his eyes.
‘Special?’
Ilyas thought of Fernciana. Her small stature and round, golden eyes. She never backed down from an argument, always ready with a sharp retort, yet at times she seemed so mature it was impossible to guess her age.
He figured she must have some story. Still, seeing her trying to push forward resolutely without showing anything, despite her small frame, he couldn’t help but keep looking at her.
If they had been of similar age, he might have thought of her as a friend, but considering her youth, he quickly came to see her as a younger sister. Seeing her burst into laughter so easily, he briefly thought she might just live like that, but knowing that wasn’t possible, he pushed aside the thought, figuring she must be heading to the capital to do something.
Occasionally, when he saw Fernciana gazing off into the distance alone, he was reminded of the day he first called her name. When she suddenly burst into tears, startling him.
Vaguely, he had thought they would be together until they reached the capital, it seemed. Seeing how shocked he was when Fernciana said with a serious face at dawn that she needed to take a different path.
‘But really, what is she planning to do alone, a young girl…’
Having thought this far, Ilyas pursed his lips. Right, as if Fernciana suddenly deciding to go a different way was something that could be considered shocking. Perhaps nothing could be more shocking than realizing that Fernciana, whom he had firmly believed to be a boy, was actually a girl.
Looking back, as she had said, she had never shown any enthusiasm for cross-dressing, making it even more perplexing that he hadn’t noticed.
Ilyas pursed his lips as he thought about it. Indeed, Fernciana suddenly deciding to go a different way wasn’t really that shocking. Probably nothing could be more shocking than discovering that Fernciana, whom he had firmly believed to be a boy, was actually a girl.
Looking back, as she had said, she had never shown any enthusiasm for cross-dressing, making it even more perplexing that he hadn’t noticed.
“Oh my, you really can’t take your eyes off the back.”
Ilyas quickly turned his head at the merchant’s words. The merchant was looking at him with an amused expression.
“It’s not like that,” Ilyas said, waving his hand.
“Well, well. But you know, young master, it’s not good to let a girl travel alone like that.”
“…What?”
“Ah, you didn’t know? That small one back there was definitely a girl. Haha, did you think she was a boy?”
Ilyas’s eyes widened. The merchant laughed at his reaction.
“Don’t worry, young master. It’s a common mistake. But you should go back. It’s dangerous for a girl to travel alone.”
Ilyas bit his lip. He looked back at the road they had come from. The dust had long settled, and there was no sign of Fernciana.
“…Stop the carriage.”
“Eh?”
“Please stop the carriage. I need to go back.”
The merchant looked at Ilyas with surprise but nodded and pulled on the reins. As soon as the carriage stopped, Ilyas jumped down.
“Thank you for the ride,” he said, bowing slightly to the merchant.
“Take care, young master. And take care of that girl too.”
Ilyas nodded and started running back the way they had come. His heart was pounding, not just from the exertion.
‘Fernciana, you fool. What were you thinking, going off alone?’
As he ran, he couldn’t help but worry. What if something had happened to her? What if she had gotten lost? What if…
He shook his head, trying to dispel the negative thoughts. He had to find her. That was all that mattered now.
The sun was high in the sky, and sweat was pouring down his face, but Ilyas didn’t slow down. He kept running, his eyes scanning the road ahead, hoping to catch a glimpse of Fernciana’s small figure.
And then, finally, he saw her. She was standing still in the middle of the road, her head bowed. As he got closer, he realized she was crying.
Relief flooded through him, followed quickly by concern. Why was she crying? Had something happened?
He slowed down as he approached her, catching his breath. She hadn’t noticed him yet, too lost in her own thoughts.
“Ahem,” he cleared his throat, making her look up suddenly.
Their eyes met, and for a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Ilyas broke the silence with the words that had been echoing in his mind since he turned back:
“What’s this? You push people away saying you’ll go alone, and now you’re crying by yourself? Hmm?”