Episode 122
Elonia stared at Philemon’s diary, her heart pounding. But the words, etched in ink, remained unchanged.
She knew how this story ended. She didn’t want to read it, but her hand moved on its own, turning the page.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
It’s been a month since I regained consciousness. I found Philemon’s note a few days ago.
‘I hope my death doesn’t bring them sorrow. I offer my body to anyone who can extend its lifespan.’
She was so kind.
Willing to give her body to a stranger, just to spare her loved ones from grief.
She might not have known, but her wish had been granted.
Philemon’s illness had been a spiritual one, so her body gradually recovered after her soul was replaced.
I didn’t choose to enter this body. But I couldn’t refuse her request, not after witnessing the kindness of the people here.
They were so kind, so naive, celebrating my recovery, oblivious to Philemon’s death.
I didn’t want to live at first, but something changed.
The longer I stayed here, the more I wanted to live.
And my memories were fading.
Had I lost my apostle’s power?
Was that why I was forgetting the pain of being Alexia?
Perhaps it was a reward for my suffering.
I’m no longer an apostle.
I can finally forget.
I don’t have to fear Vermon’s threats anymore.
I don’t have to endure the Queen’s cruelty.
I can finally enjoy this peaceful and comfortable life.
…But I had a strong desire before I died, as Alexia. I can’t remember what it was.
It was something important, something I shouldn’t forget…
But I can’t remember, so it must not have been that important.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
A maid found this diary while cleaning my room.
It was empty, filled with blank pages.
I’ve been bored, confined to my room, so I’ll start writing a diary.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
My sister gave birth to a son.
His name is Alberich. Alberich Asta.
I have a nephew! It feels like a dream. He’s so adorable.
My sister, despite having hired a wet nurse, keeps fussing over him.
She can’t stop smiling, fascinated by her little baby. Her happiness is contagious.
But Alberich started crying as soon as she held him.
Even my sister, who excels at everything, didn’t know how to hold a baby!
Amused by her struggles, I showed her how to hold him properly. Alberich stopped crying and smiled.
My sister, impressed, praised me.
I just laughed it off back then, but how did I even know?
Why did I know how to hold a baby?
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
How did I know how to hold a baby?
Because I’m not the real Philemon!
I might not have held a baby before, but I knew how!
I heard the Calamity God’s voice today.
And some of my memories returned.
How could I forget something so important?
I had imbued my writing with apostle’s power to keep it a secret, but it backfired.
But even after remembering everything, I couldn’t understand.
The Calamity God ordered me to return to his embrace if I wasn’t going to fulfill my wish.
I ignored him, and he spoke again.
He said I wanted to protect my daughter, to bring her out of that place, and that was why he had sent me here.
Protect Chelon? Bring her out of that place? I felt like I had been struck by lightning.
The memories, buried deep within my subconscious, resurfaced, tormenting me.
Why would I want to see her again?
She was a symbol of my pain and suffering. Just the thought of her made me want to go mad. And yet, I had chosen to live again, to save her?
That was impossible.
It wasn’t her fault, but she was still Vermon’s daughter.
Every time I saw her golden hair, her blue-green eyes, I was reminded of him.
I had protected her out of duty, despite the pain and the constant reminders of my past, but I hadn’t loved her enough to pray for her return, to be reborn for her sake. And I had never held her.
But I hadn’t chosen to give birth to her either. I had done enough.
I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
I’ll forget, just like before. I’m Philemon now.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
I was wrong.
My apostle’s power returned after hearing the Calamity God’s voice. The blessings of forgetfulness vanished.
I remembered everything, even my dying wish.
I had to admit it.
I wanted to save Chelon.
That was why I had tried to find her as soon as I arrived in Ravanta.
I wasn’t afraid when Vermon’s knights tried to kill me. I was happy that this miserable life was finally over.
But I saw Chelon witnessing my death. That was my undoing.
Her eyes, filled with shock and rage, had made me speak.
I told her to hide her powers and survive.
But she hadn’t listened. She had been furious at my death, even though I was a terrible mother who had neglected her.
So I prayed to the Calamity God, the god I had always resented, to let her escape Heilan.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
I heard that Heilan has been waging wars for the past three years.
And the one leading the charge is the First Princess.
It was only after the situation became dire that the news reached Ravanta.
This couldn’t be happening.
Chelon is thirteen now, and the war has been going on for three years.
Vermon started using her as soon as I died.
Chelon, her powers discovered, was forced to fight, to kill. My daughter was becoming a true monster.
Calamity God, is this the result of your so-called blessings of love?
I had to save her, before her hands were stained with blood.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
I attended a social gathering for the first time today.
None of the men were suitable.
There was one decent man, but he wouldn’t do.
His status was too high.
I was tempted. What mattered was saving Chelon as soon as possible. All I had to do was conceive her new body.
Could I just… find any man?
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
My sister gave birth to another son. He has adorable pink hair. He looks like an angel.
And I realized,
Seeing my sister’s family, I finally understood.
I couldn’t just choose any man.
I wanted to give Chelon a loving and peaceful family, a perfect family, to make up for my past failures.
It might have been just a selfish act to ease my guilt.
She might resent me, even if I succeeded in bringing her back.
Like mother, like daughter, they say.
Just like me, she had been ostracized and mistreated for something that wasn’t her fault. She might be hating me right now, blaming me for abandoning her.
Perhaps she wanted to die, no longer desiring to live. She might resent me for bringing her back.
Was I doing the right thing?
…No, I can deal with her resentment later. Who would willingly commit such atrocities? And she’s still so young.
I had to do this. I was the only one who could save her from Heilan.
And I would give her a happy life, a life so happy that it would erase all memories of her past suffering.
Just like when I first arrived in Ravanta and lost my memories. No, a life even happier than that.
And for that, I needed a man who could be a good father. I couldn’t just choose anyone.
He was the best choice.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
He proposed.
A seemingly cold but surprisingly kind man.
A man who bowed his head to me, apologizing for his people’s mistakes. And a man who blushed like a boy at my smile.
He would be a good father.
But he was the Emperor.
Even though I knew he was the best choice, I was afraid.
I was still terrified of Vermon. The memories of his abuse were still so vivid.
I was a slave. I was afraid of powerful men.
No one would dare mistreat me now, the princess of Ravanta. And even if they did, my sister, the Duchess, would protect me.
But even she couldn’t protect me from the Emperor.
I knew Artius wasn’t like that, but I had heard countless stories of men changing after marriage.
Men who belittled and abused their wives after pregnancy, complaining about their weight gain, their changing bodies, the grotesqueness of childbirth.
In Heilan, even noblewomen were treated like slaves after becoming wives and mothers.
Was Artius different?
Could I trust him?
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
We got married.
I was certain. I could build a happy family with Artius.
But I couldn’t bring Chelon back.
He refused to have children.
Why? We were so close.
Chelon was within reach.
I had to save her, every day that passed was another day she spent in that bloodbath, that hellhole.
I resented his stubbornness and lashed out at him.
He looked so hurt.
I realized my mistake too late.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
I avoided him after our fight.
His heartbroken expression haunted me.
I remembered his proposal.
He had said he had been afraid of love, that he had pretended it didn’t exist, but I had rekindled his heart.
That I had given him courage.
That I had made him believe in love again.
I had been foolish.
He had lost his entire family at a young age. He was afraid I would die during childbirth.
But it was Philemon who was frail, not me.
And we didn’t have much time.
I was desperate too.
My daughter, even now, was crying and killing to survive.
Year XXX, Month X, Day X
I was wrong.
I shouldn’t have married him.
I should have married anyone, just to bring Chelon back.
Then Artius wouldn’t have been hurt, and Chelon would have been saved.
While I was playing house, Heilan declared war on Ravanta.
A war where my daughter and my husband would have to kill each other.