21. The Circumstances of Lady Linaria Dohén (※Linaria’s POV)
From the time I was a little girl, I was raised being told I was pretty. By my parents, by the servants, and by the sons and daughters of other nobles.
Being pretty, I was constantly approached by boys and spoken ill of by girls behind my back. Naturally, the boys became my allies. I never made any female friends.
And then, after I came of age at seventeen, the sons of noble houses stopped approaching me with any serious intentions. After all, I was from a baron’s house—the lowest rank of nobility, one that held no land and sustained itself on business alone.
Even when I became the lover of a man who was just looking for a bit of fun, the relationship would end the moment an engagement with a girl from a higher-ranking house came along. Still, whenever love was whispered to me, I would believe it, only to be betrayed. This cycle repeated itself until, eventually, I came to be called a woman of pleasure, a courtesan. By men and women alike. Finally, I had no allies left, save for my family.
It wasn’t as if I was just playing around. Time and time again, I had genuinely fallen for someone, believed in them, polished myself for them, thinking they were the one who loved me, only to be cast aside.
I was exhausted. And then, my father told me there was a marriage proposal. I was surprised, but from the tone of his voice, I knew it wasn’t likely to be a pleasant arrangement, so I listened.
“I had thought no one would have you for a bride, but… a proposal of engagement has come from a count’s house.”
“…That sounds too good to be true, Father. Are there some special circumstances?”
“Yes… Linaria, I know you are not the kind of girl the rumors say you are. I am sorry. It is because I am only a baron that things have come to this…”
My father trailed off, looking uncomfortable. To become the wife of a count… as a political marriage, it wasn’t a bad offer. Especially not for me, with my current notoriety.
“It is alright… I, too, have grown weary of love and romance. I will marry whomever you say.”
When I spoke with downcast eyes and a resigned smile, my father’s expression turned serious. He looked almost angry.
“First, the man is Count Muzel. He has a young daughter. She will be four years old by the time you marry.”
Count Muzel. If I recall, he was the man whose wife died in an accident half a year ago… He was a respectable man who managed his domain and worked as an official at the palace. I had seen him from afar at a ball with his wife, and while he was much older, he was not a lecherous, greasy man.
I felt a small sense of relief. If it was their child, she was sure to be a sweet girl, no matter which parent she resembled. I felt we could get along.
“Count Muzel has one condition: he wishes to produce a male heir. You must be prepared for others to meddle in your most delicate affairs. He also stated… that he will likely never love you. If you are alright with that, he will pay a betrothal gift and requires no dowry.”
To plan a pregnancy, my menstrual cycle and the days we would spend the night together would be monitored and decided by doctors and maids. And even when we did, there would be no love. That was why he would pay. In other words, I was to be bought as a wife.
A proper lady, even in a political marriage, would likely be furious. But I was already so tired of receiving love, and of giving it.
Yes, he had said there was a daughter. I no longer needed romance. I would love that daughter. And I would ensure she never, ever followed the same path I did. I didn’t care if she hated me for it later. I would love that daughter, and any child to come, in my own way.
“Count Muzel… avoids his daughter, who resembles his late wife. He will not protect her as a father should… I believe this offer is incredibly rude to you, Linaria. To be honest, my blood is boiling… but I will respect your decision.”
For my father, who had built his fortune through business, the betrothal gift was of little consequence. But as things stood, the best I could hope for was to become the wife of some lecherous, greasy, and even older nobleman. The worst, his mistress.
“I will accept this offer. I assume there will be no wedding ceremony?”
“No, there will not. It will simply be a contract filed at the temple and registered with the state.”
“I do not mind… I was not very clever. I am grateful for being raised to believe I was pretty. In fact, it seems my beauty was quite appealing to gentlemen who wished to have me as an accessory on their arm.”
“Linaria…”
“I will pour my love into Count Muzel’s child. I don’t care if she hates me for it later. I will treasure the daughter he has left behind, and any child who is born in the future… I understand Count Muzel’s feelings, as well. Right now, that little lady must be all alone, understanding nothing. When I marry into that house, I will ensure she is never lonely again, and I will protect her in the Count’s stead.”
And so, I agreed to the engagement with Count Muzel. After several meals together, I understood that love would never blossom between us. I also heard the reason he avoided his daughter… Sheryl. As I had expected, it was because she strongly resembled his late wife.
Then we were married. When I entered the count’s house, wearing a dress of a somewhat subdued color—but still with a touch of splendor, as it was my wedding day—I was stunned when I saw Sheryl.
What a beautiful child, I thought. If an angel were to descend to earth, it would surely be a child like this. Long, gently waving gray hair and large, clear, ice-blue eyes. This little girl, looking up at me with pure curiosity, would be my daughter from this day forward.
She was the daughter of a count, so no harm was likely to befall her. But her father, Count Muzel… my husband… wished to live his life without involving himself with her. If something were to happen, I could not rely on him.
I had to protect this girl, raise her, and teach her to protect herself. And at the same time, I had to shower her with love.
That is why I said it. The words that had been the catalyst for my own mistakes. The opposite of my true assessment of this child. I didn’t care if she resented me for the rest of her life. Until the day I could hand her over to someone who would love and protect her, I would never, ever leave this child alone. I would protect her from everything else, even if it meant hurting her myself.
And at nineteen years old, this was the only method I could think of.
“My, you truly are an unattractive child, aren’t you?”