☆, Chapter 6: The Male Consort
Hao Ren was silently cursing the shamelessness of the animal species known as birds. She hadn’t expected that on a tree branch outside the window, a row of small birds was squatting there, pointing and gesturing at her. The birds’ factions were clearly divided: swallows stood with swallows, sparrows with sparrows, and magpies stood in pairs.
“Her Majesty is inside!”
“Right there, the one with the dollop of bird poop on her shoulder!”
“I don’t know which idiot did it, but let’s find it and peck it to death! Peck off all its feathers! How dare it disrespect Her Majesty!”
“Let’s go together! Let’s go together!”
“Darling, could you check if my tailcoat is messy? I can’t let Her Majesty see me looking disheveled!”
“Her Majesty the Queen is so wise and powerful, so mighty and extraordinary! My heart is fluttering just looking at her!”
“What is Her Majesty the Queen doing?”
“An exam! Humans are such a foolish species, always finding ways to torture themselves and their young. Wouldn’t it be better to spend the time singing to the sky!”
“Your Majesty, exams are so boring, let me sing you a song instead!
What does the fox say?
Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
What does the fox say?
A-pa-pa-pa-pow!
A-pa-pa-pa-pow!
…”
A sparrow next to it pecked it fiercely.
“You idiot, how can you sing ‘What Does the Fox Say’ to Her Majesty? If you’re going to sing, sing ‘Little Apple’.
You are my little, little apple
I can never love you too much
Your little red face warms the cockles of my heart
Lighting the fire, fire, fire, fire, fire of my life
You are my little, little apple
Like the most beautiful cloud in the sky
…”
Those damn birds actually started a concert right there on the tree branch. Singing was one thing, but couldn’t they at least sing something nice! They were all brainwashing viral hits. Hao Ren was frustrated to find that she couldn’t concentrate at all.
She endured and endured, listening to them sing from “What Does the Fox Say” to “Little Apple,” then from “Little Apple” to “Gangnam Style,” and then from “Gangnam Style” to “Fahai Doesn’t Understand Love”… One viral hit after another. Hao Ren finally couldn’t take it anymore.
Taking a deep breath, she let out an angry roar at the window: “Damn birds! All of you, shut up!”
“Her Majesty is angry!”
“Help! Help!”
“Your Majesty, you don’t like our songs?”
…
Her roar didn’t scare the birds away, but it did startle another exam candidate into dropping their pen. That candidate turned and shot Hao Ren a cold glare, the kind one reserves for an idiot.
Hao Ren’s face flushed, and she lowered her head.
The two proctors, however, didn’t react much. Seeing Hao Ren’s behavior over the past two days, they had already classified her as a patient with severe pre-exam syndrome. It was understandable for a student under such pressure to lose control. They were helpless too; although they had already shut down all construction projects near the exam site that could produce noise, there was really nothing they could do about things like birds.
Remembering what the cats had said yesterday about mental communication, Hao Ren looked at the birds on the branch and tried to use her thoughts to tell them to be quiet. To her surprise, they actually heard her.
“Quiet, quiet! We’ll stop singing!”
“Your Majesty, please carry on, we’ll shut up immediately!”
“We’ll just look at you, we won’t speak!”
…
The two proctors were amazed to find that after the candidate named Hao Ren let out a roar, the row of various bird species on the tree seemed to have been collectively muted. The male proctor walked closer, wanting to see what was going on with the birds, only to find that all the birds in the tree were staring intently at the candidate named Hao Ren, as if they had seen something novel.
At first, he thought it was his imagination, but then a green parrot flew over from a distance. The parrot glanced around and then, just like the other birds, fixed its gaze on the candidate. The proctor felt his skin crawl under the birds’ intense stares and quickly returned to the podium. He felt that his materialist worldview had just faced a severe test today.
Under the unwavering gaze of a tree full of birds, Hao Ren completed the questions on the exam paper at top speed and then, just like the previous afternoon, turned in her paper and left.
The journey home was another ordeal of being surrounded, pursued, and blocked. She now finally understood the troubles of idol celebrities. Fans were just too annoying! It would be better if they were human, but when swarms of cats, dogs, snakes, insects, mice, and ants appeared all at once, it was truly enough to make one’s scalp tingle.
When she got home, the cat named Lucky had already finished the beef jerky she had left on her pillow and was now engrossed in playing with a toy mouse that the cats had given Hao Ren during their homage visit yesterday.
Hao Ren first went to take a shower and change out of her bird-poop-stained clothes before coming back to ask about the cat’s origins.
The cat’s original owner was a Chinese student studying in the UK. It was a British cat born in the UK. Later, when the female owner returned to China to get married, it was brought along. It had been living a carefree and happy life until the female owner suddenly became pregnant. Although the female owner initially insisted on keeping it, her husband couldn’t stand the sight of it. Compared to a pet, an unborn child was, of course, more important. After some back and forth, the female owner finally succumbed to her husband’s pressure and gave Lucky to a Chinese friend. Although that friend had agreed readily at first, he found an opportunity to abandon it not long after.
Lucky had been a stray for a few days, living a hard life of not knowing where its next meal would come from. It happened to encounter the opportunity of the cats paying homage to the new King, so it took the chance to sneak into Hao Ren’s room. In its eyes, Hao Ren was a nouveau riche, glittering with gold just like its former owner.
“I’m very poor. I can’t even feed myself!” Realizing this little guy was planning to sponge off a rich woman, Hao Ren didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“Your Majesty, you must be joking…” The British Shorthair was indeed gentle and calm; the little guy’s voice was even soft and sweet.
“I’m not lying. If you don’t believe me, ask Uncle Daizi!”
Daizi nodded.
Lucky’s face instantly fell.
“I don’t want to live a life of not knowing where my next meal is coming from anymore…” Lucky’s ears drooped, and its azure eyes were filled with disappointment, as if it would burst into tears at any moment.
Seeing the little guy’s pitiful appearance, Hao Ren felt a pang of pity. She stroked its fluffy head and said to it with a serious expression, “Although you might often go hungry here, you won’t starve to death. If you want to stay, I promise you, as long as I have a bite to eat, you won’t go without.”
“Really?”
“Of course! If you don’t believe me, ask Uncle Daizi!”
“Your Majesty! I’ll stay!”
Because she needed Lucky’s help to cheat, Hao Ren brought Lucky with her in her arms for the afternoon exam. The British Shorthair was indeed the most suitable cat to be a pet; its fluffy coat was soft and comfortable to hold. Hao Ren couldn’t resist stroking it a few times.
As she was leaving, she happened to see the neighbor’s Siamese cat lying in the shade of a tree on the wall, cooling off. That cat was nothing like the clingy Siamese cats described on pet forums; it was incredibly arrogant. Usually, it would remain motionless whenever it saw Hao Ren, but this time, it actually deigned to glance at Lucky in her arms and said in a teasing tone, “Your Majesty the Queen, is this your newly acquired male consort? How majestic, meow!”
Hao Ren, who had been walking forward without looking back while holding Lucky, froze. Male consort?! Male consort my foot! No matter how majestic, it’s still just a cat!
To her surprise, upon hearing this, Lucky in her arms actually lowered its head with a bashful look! The sight made a herd of grass mud horses stampede through Hao Ren’s heart. Dammit, you’re a half-grown cat, what the hell are you being bashful about!
“You stupid cat, say that again and see if I don’t bite you to death!” Before Hao Ren could react, Daizi had already started barking furiously with murderous intent.
Although Daizi only had three legs, its superior combat ability had earned it a high reputation among the neighborhood cats and dogs. Hearing its threat, the arrogant Siamese cat snorted coldly, flicked its tail, and walked away with an elegant cat-like gait. Although its steps were steady, there was a hint of it fleeing in disarray.
After being mobbed by small animals twice, Hao Ren had finally figured out the pattern: they didn’t dare to come out when other humans were around; they only dared to pay homage when she was alone. So this time, she deliberately chose a crowded road. Although it took her more than ten minutes longer than usual, at least she didn’t look as disheveled when she arrived at the exam site.
This time, Hao Ren finally arrived on time, which earned her a few extra glances from the two proctors who had grown accustomed to her tardiness.
Daizi, as usual, waited for her at the school gate like the other parents. Lucky, on the other hand, swaggered into the exam hall and lay down on a windowsill not far from Hao Ren. The proctor scanned it with a detector, and after confirming it was fine, left it alone.
The exam began. Except for the listening comprehension section, which Hao Ren had no choice but to do after hearing the recording, she completed the other parts of the exam as quickly as she had for the other subjects.
While Hao Ren was busy with the questions, Lucky stared at the exam paper of a candidate near the window for a long time in order to see the essay prompt. Its intense gaze inevitably attracted the proctor’s attention. Sensing the proctor’s eyes on it, Lucky quickly looked away and played dumb. The teacher stared at it for a while, and after confirming it was just an ordinary house cat, paid it no more mind.
Hao Ren’s memory was good, so her English foundation wasn’t bad either. She basically knew and could spell all the words within the scope of the exam. It was just that when these words were put together, she was immediately lost. Lucky stared at the small birds in the tree outside the window and dictated the essay it had composed, word by word. Hao Ren wrote it down, one word at a time, and quickly finished the essay. After reading it through and feeling that it looked decent enough, Hao Ren decided to trust the native British-born cat. After copying it neatly, she turned in her paper directly.
The two proctors were already used to her turning in her paper early and calmly accepted her exam.
The exam was over. Hao Ren let out a long sigh of relief and headed home with one cat and one dog.
When she got home, she immediately felt that something was wrong with her body. She hadn’t noticed it while concentrating on the exam, but now that she relaxed, she felt an intense itch all over. That damn British Shorthair must have fleas!
At this thought, she grabbed Lucky, who was having the time of its life playing with a ball of yarn, and asked with a look of disgust, “How long has it been since you’ve had a bath?”
Lucky hung its head and didn’t answer for a long time, finally managing to squeeze out three words: “I’m sorry…”
“Bath! Go take a bath right now!” Hearing its words, Hao Ren instantly felt even itchier. She picked it up and headed straight for the bathroom. She turned on the showerhead, applied some pet shampoo, and began to scrub vigorously.
“Ah… oh…” Hao Ren was scrubbing its soft paws.
“Where are you touching?” This time, she was stroking its chin.
“Mmm-ah… s-so embarrassing…” Hao Ren swore to God she was just scratching its belly.
Looking at the half-grown kitten in the bathtub with its bashful expression, Hao Ren felt her world crumble. Holy crap, I’m just giving a cat a bath, does it have to be this steamy?
“It has to be clean!” Hao Ren tried her best to control the twitching muscles in her face and continued to scrub the little guy in the bathtub vigorously.
“Ah… oh… my balls… Your Majesty the Queen… no… yamete…”
…
It wasn’t until it was rinsed clean and its fur was blow-dried that this damn cat finally stopped its suggestive moans.
“Uncle Daizi, do you want a bath too?” Since she was already at it, washing one was the same as washing two. Hao Ren beckoned to Daizi with a smile.
“Actually, I can do this myself.” Daizi jumped into the bathtub, skillfully turned on the showerhead, and then, under Hao Ren’s dumbfounded gaze, calmly began to lather itself with shampoo.
“How? Why?” Hao Ren stared, dumbfounded, at Daizi, who was skillfully scratching left and right, successfully working up a full body of foam.
Daizi paused, maintained its cool expression, and looked back at her. “Before you ask that question, you should first think about why humans keep pets. If you hadn’t become the King of a Hundred Beasts and one day suddenly saw me bathing myself, how would you react?”
“Ah! A monster!” Hao Ren covered her face and made a terrified expression.
Daizi nodded with a “you-can-be-taught” look on its face. “Exactly! Of course, the dumber the pet, the more humans love it. Just like the one next door.”
Hao Ren understood immediately. Daizi was, of course, not referring to the arrogant and sharp-tongued Siamese cat, but the husky owned by the wealthy lady on the other side. That husky lived up to its breed’s reputation as a goofball. From the time it was a puppy, it had taken pleasure in tormenting humans—marking its territory by peeing everywhere, chewing on shoes, and tearing up the sofa. It had done it all. Yet, the wealthy lady loved it to death, doting on it as if it were her own son.
“The wisdom of pets…” Imagining a certain dog with a smug grin on its face when no one was looking, Hao Ren sighed, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.