Chapter 15: Can’t I?
Cui Jingkong wiped away her tears and cupped her face. Feng Yuzhen had no choice but to look up and meet his gaze with her red eyes.
“Just a few naughty kids.”
Feng Yuzhen’s nose was red, her voice muffled.
What was there to say? It was nothing more than her being teased by a few mischievous children. It was obvious at a glance, and spelling it out would only make her seem more pathetic.
His palm was warm but not delicate. The pads of his fingers and his palm were covered in calluses. As he slowly rubbed them over the two wounds, an itch, like the touch of a butterfly, grew on top of the pain. She couldn’t help but blink, and two more tears fell.
Cui Jingkong glanced at his widowed sister-in-law’s leg. “Can you stand up?”
She nodded. Her legs were fine. It was just that there were many of them, and they had blocked her way, insisting on teasing her and throwing stones at her. One or two stones had hit her face, and that was when her vision had gone black and she had fallen to the ground.
Back at the house, when Cui Jingkong held the candle up to her face, the details that had been hidden in the dim light were clearly revealed.
Feng Yuzhen sat on the edge of the bed, her lips pressed together. Besides the two bloody scratches, there were a few bruises around her eyes, not to mention the bruises hidden under her collar and sleeves that he couldn’t see.
It was quiet all around. The tear tracks had dried on her cheeks, leaving a tight, painful sensation.
Her gaze was fixed on the dark floor. She didn’t know what to say to her brother-in-law. Just as she was hesitating, she saw the pair of blue cloth shoes belonging to her brother-in-law suddenly move and walk out of her sight.
He probably thinks I’m pathetic—can’t even handle a few children. What else is there to say to me?
She couldn’t blame him for not wanting to get involved. His not-so-close brother was dead, and the remaining widowed sister-in-law was just a burden he had to carry.
A noble person like Cui Jingkong should be focusing his mind on his studies and his official career. Given the slight bond they had formed these past few days, the fact that he was willing to step in and help her was already more than what others would do.
This was good too. She didn’t have to go to the trouble of explaining things to him.
Feng Yuzhen closed her eyes and leaned against the bedpost. She couldn’t tell if she was relieved or sad. A tide of self-loathing pulled her into a vortex, and she sank down.
Until a warm cloth was pressed against her skin. She opened her eyes and saw that Cui Jingkong had not only returned, but had also brought a basin of hot water to wipe her face.
Feng Yuzhen let him wipe her face twice in a daze, then quickly stopped him. “I can do it myself.”
Cui Jingkong didn’t insist. He handed it to her, but his next words caught her completely off guard. “Why did Sister-in-law wait until dark to wash clothes by the river?”
Before—when the two of them had just arrived in the west of the village at the beginning of the third month, Feng Yuzhen had been used to taking her basket in the afternoon. It was bright and clear, and she could wash quickly.
After the sun set, the riverbank was filled with dark currents, and the light was dim. A single misstep could easily lead to falling into the river. Besides, Feng Yuzhen had casually mentioned last night that she had met Auntie Qian while washing clothes by the river in the evening, which meant she had been doing this for some time.
What had happened that had forced her to make this change?
His sharp insight, which went straight to the heart of the matter, left her with no escape. Feng Yuzhen lowered her arms, crumpling the handkerchief in her hand, and stammered, “I just thought that after the sun had been out all day, the water would be warmer then.”
“If the water temperature was really that comfortable, then why are your hands…”
The red backs of her hands and knuckles from the cold water betrayed her. She quickly hid her hands in her sleeves, a classic case of a guilty conscience.
Cui Jingkong continued to state the facts. “Because you had run into them during the day before, you had no choice but to give in and move to washing at night. But today, you still couldn’t avoid them.”
His guess was spot on. Feng Yuzhen defended herself in a low voice, “It’s nothing. They’re just children who don’t know any better. A few words and a few stones won’t do any real harm.”
“Is it really nothing?”
But the young man wouldn’t let it go. His words were harsh, directly stating the essence of the matter. “You’re afraid of them?”
“…”
“Because you’re afraid, you don’t dare to fight back. Because you’re afraid, you can only go at night.”
This aggressive posture undoubtedly tore away Feng Yuzhen’s last shred of dignity. She was practically standing naked before him, soul and all.
Feng Yuzhen’s hand went limp, and the handkerchief she was holding fell to the floor. Her eyes were red with indignation.
“Yes, I’m afraid!”
The woman who had always been timid and weak, her red eyes seemed to spark with fire. “Not just them, I don’t dare to provoke anyone!”
“You don’t know, how could you understand me!” After being strong for only a moment, Feng Yuzhen looked at his emotionless face and suddenly felt ridiculous.
She covered her face with her hands, her back slumping sorrowfully, and let out a suppressed sob. “There’s no one left. There’s no one left. After Ze’ge’er is gone, I have no one to rely on!”
“No one has ever cared about me,” she choked. “My parents won’t stand up for me, my brother only knows how to bully me even more, and the main residence…”
The rest of her words were stuck in her throat. Cui Jingkong wondered, Could it be that the main residence also has some connection to her?
Feng Yuzhen’s weak and easily bullied nature was not something she had chosen. Who didn’t know that in this world, it was the aggressive ones who lived more comfortably?
She had been bullied for her limp since she was a child. At that time, she still knew how to fight back. She would limp back home, but her mother would annoyedly throw a “flies don’t bite a seamless egg” at her, telling her to be more assertive, and if she wasn’t capable, then she shouldn’t provoke others.
The young Zhen’niang was left standing there in a daze. The small, thin girl dragged her lame leg, struggling even to climb into bed. At night, she would tend to her wounds herself, her tears all flowing into her pillow, into her bitter heart.
She had been raised this way, never daring to be reckless. Even her breathing had to be careful, for fear of disturbing others’ peace.
Even though she was so humble, fate had not let her go.
Because she had never received any love, even respect was rare. Perhaps Cui Ze had given it to her, but it was fleeting. And it had been too long. Under the relentless wash of time, she couldn’t even remember what Cui Ze looked like anymore.
Feng Yuzhen’s two lives, which added up to only a few decades, were a complete and utter tragedy. The first half of her life was brewed into bitter wine, and the second half she was forced to drink it down. Everything was fate, and she had no control over it.
As she was drowning in her own pain, she suddenly felt the edge of the bed dip. A warm breath fanned across her face.
She looked up with tear-filled eyes and was suddenly face to face with Cui Jingkong’s flawless, jade-like face. He was leaning over, his hands braced on the bed on either side of her. From the side, it looked as if he were holding her completely in his arms.
“Please forgive me, Sister-in-law. It was my words that were offensive,” Cui Jingkong’s eyes were like two nails, trying to pierce her heart. “I just find it strange. Why does Sister-in-law always seem to not see me?”
What does that mean?
She quickly avoided his gaze, which was so close, and leaned back slightly. “Kong’ge’er, don’t joke with me…”
Cui Jingkong stared at her tear-streaked face without blinking, and even gave a rare smile. He was exceptionally handsome, and his usually ice-cold face suddenly bloomed like a bright peach blossom in spring. “Do you really not understand?”
He slowly moved closer. Feng Yuzhen was at a loss. She could only lean back in a hurry, until she was almost half-lying on the bed.
Ignoring everything else, she hastily pushed against the young man’s chest, even hitting him a couple of times. “Get up, don’t be like this…”
The young man pressed closer, a bewitching smile on his lips. This beautiful exterior had descended from the divine altar into the mortal world, becoming a mountain spirit that lured people to their downfall.
His voice was also light and airy. “What my brother did, I can also do. I can do more for you.”
“It’s not the same!” Feng Yuzhen didn’t want to hear any more. Her heart was pounding like a drum. Her intuition was screaming at her to leave, to cover her ears, to not listen anymore.
But Cui Jingkong did not do as she wished. He did not let her escape. He repeated in a soft tone, “What’s not the same? If my brother could, why can’t I?”
A buzzing sound went off in her head. Her cheeks were hot, but her heart felt as if it had fallen into an ice cave. What does he mean, if my brother could, why can’t I? He is her late husband’s only brother!
“As long as you ask, I am willing to do anything. Why swallow your anger? I will help you solve this matter.”
“Qian Yongshun is very obedient now, isn’t he?” He lowered his eyelids, almost as if he were telling her a story, his expression calm, even with a hint of boasting.
Boasting about what? Boasting about how he had almost strangled Qian Yongshun to death back then?
Feng Yuzhen’s blood ran cold. She was half-lying on the bed, her posture awkward. The curves that were usually hidden under her loose clothes were now clearly outlined.
After all the commotion, the top two frog buttons of her collar had come undone, revealing a stretch of her pale neck to the person above her.
The scent of bitter orange was intoxicating, more so than the aphrodisiac from that day. Cui Jingkong’s eyes were dark. He was less than a fist’s width away from her. If he wanted to, he could ignore her wishes and lower his head to kiss the side of her neck.
The widowed sister-in-law was pitiful and easy to bully. What could she do? She couldn’t push him away, and she couldn’t out-talk him. She would probably just cry and beg for mercy while letting him do as he pleased.
Unaware of the dark thoughts the person above her was having, Feng Yuzhen was still trying to refuse him. “There’s no need to trouble you. I… I can do it myself.”
Unexpectedly, Cui Jingkong seemed to have heard her. His voice was a little hoarse for some reason. “Can you really do it yourself?”
“Really.” She nodded like a chicken pecking at rice.
Seeing that she was avoiding his previous question, Cui Jingkong let out a low laugh and then straightened up.
He slowly got off the bed, picked up the dirty handkerchief from the floor, rinsed it twice in the still-warm water, and then walked back to the widowed sister-in-law, who was sitting up, still shaken.
“Come, close your eyes.”
He didn’t even call her Sister-in-law anymore.
Feng Yuzhen peeked at him. She couldn’t see his expression against the light. She had already refused Cui Jingkong once tonight, and her heart had been thrown into turmoil by his words. Her self-pity had unknowingly dissipated.
She could only close her eyes apprehensively and let Cui Jingkong wipe her face twice.
He carried the basin out and thoughtfully closed the door for her, leaving her time and space to calm down.
But he didn’t go far. He stood behind the door, separated from his widowed sister-in-law by a single door, holding the handkerchief stained with her blood and tears in his palm.
The blood on his left wrist had already coagulated, sticking to the prayer beads. It hurt when he pulled at it, but he couldn’t be bothered to wipe it.
Another kind of desire hit him, forcing him to lean against the door. Passion swayed, and his breathing slowly grew heavy.
I have to endure. It’s not time yet. Cui Jingkong told himself over and over again, even remembering the Heart-Calming Mantra the abbot had forced him to recite night after night, kneeling on a prayer mat.
But the more he suppressed it, the more the scent of bitter orange lingered at the tip of his nose, faintly enticing him to remember. His mind was filled with the worldly affairs of the mortal world, unable to break free.
Sooner or later… sooner or later.