9. The Circumstances of Count Cranad Muzel (※Count Muzel’s POV)
Ah, my beloved has departed on her journey. And she left behind our daughter, Sheryl, the very image of her.
My darling Sheryl. But my love was too deep. For my wife, and for my daughter.
If I were to lose Sheryl as well, how could I possibly go on living? I considered keeping her by my side and having her husband marry into our family, but what if she, too, were to die before my very eyes, before my own time came…? The thought would not leave my mind.
It is painful to look at her face. That young, beautiful daughter of mine inevitably summons memories of my happy days with my wife and the image of her brutal death, all at once. As the years pass, that feeling will only grow stronger.
And now, as she leaves for her first ball upon coming of age, my grown daughter has become even more beautiful than my wife. She is so radiant that I cannot even utter a single word to her. As a result of avoiding her for so long, I have lost not only the words to say to her, but my very voice. She gives a single curtsy and departs. She will not return to my side. I was certain of it.
…
I began to avoid Sheryl immediately after my first wife’s death. I acted as if Sheryl did not exist, and as soon as the mourning period was over, I sought the daughter of a baron’s house as my new bride.
She was a young girl with a poor reputation. I reasoned that a girl with no other marriage prospects would surely agree to bear me a male heir, even if I allowed her to take a lover.
It was a cruel thing to do, even by my own estimation. To take a girl still in her teens as my wife, without even holding a proper wedding ceremony for her. On top of that, I knew I would likely never love her. All of my affection was directed toward my late wife and Sheryl, and because I loved Sheryl, who reminded me so much of her, I was incapable of offering that love to anyone else.
I am aware that I am a weak man. My only resolve was that I would, at the very least, ensure they never struggled financially or with their station. With that in mind, I threw myself into my work and tried not to think of Sheryl.
To completely shun my young daughter… even I could not be so heartless. So I tried… I truly believe I tried to interact with her, forgetting that time passes so much more quickly for a child than for an adult.
When I was to welcome my new wife… Linaria… she told me she understood how I felt. That she had experienced, many times, what it was like to offer love that was not returned, and to have it suddenly taken away.
During our meals together after our engagement, we came to understand that we would never love one another. And yet, I felt that I could entrust Sheryl to her.
My young fiancée, though she did not know the happiness of loving and being loved, knew the exhaustion that love could bring, and how it could derail a life.
Rumors and reputations are unreliable things. For a nineteen-year-old, she was not what people claimed; she had simply been betrayed by many men.
And she declared that she would pour her love into Sheryl and the child that would eventually be born.
I will say it again and again: I love my late wife and Sheryl too much. So much so that I can only interact with Sheryl in a twisted, distorted way. I knew I would surely be unable to feel such deep affection for any child to come. I prayed fervently that our first child would be a boy, because I did not want to create any more unequal love.
No matter how distorted it was, no matter how much I appeared to be an indifferent father from the outside, or from Sheryl’s perspective, I love Sheryl too much. I resolved to work diligently, to ensure Sheryl would never face hardship, financially or socially, at least until I could stop remembering the final moments of my late wife. I have told myself this over and over, chanting it like a spell in my heart, and I have carried it out.
And to the child who would one day be born, I begged forgiveness. If you are a boy, you will be given an education befitting my heir from the very beginning. If you are a girl… I would have to entrust everything to Linaria.
Fortunately, our first child was a boy, Jule. He is a clever and bright child.
Jule was placed in my care when he came of age. And the very first thing I did was make him promise me one thing.
He asked me the reason for the promise. When I answered that it was to protect Sheryl, Jule, without fully understanding, has kept that promise ever since, simply because it would protect his sister.
Today was different. Just for today, I was allowed to praise Sheryl. And yet, I had lost my voice. What a pathetic man I am.
It is not that I feel no affection for Jule or Linaria. It is simply that I will never be able to love them as much as I loved my late wife, or as much as I love Sheryl.
When Jule was born, at Linaria’s strong insistence, she said she would raise him until he was five.
She said there is a time when a child must be loved and protected, without fail. Because even if they forget it as an adult, the memory of being raised with affection will support them for their entire lives.
I am truly a weak and terrible man. Linaria’s words are the truth. And during that crucial time, in the year after her mother’s death, I abandoned Sheryl.
Linaria, as if to fill that void, raised both Sheryl and Jule with love.
It is too late now for me to act like a father to Sheryl. In my overwhelming love for her, I have created far too great a distance between us.
Linaria has instilled a ‘mistaken sense of values’ in Sheryl. She enforced this upon the servants, upon me, and upon Jule. At times, she even cast herself as the villain to hide Sheryl’s beauty from Sheryl herself.
Sheryl is a lovely, beautiful girl. Linaria has deliberately and cruelly continued to deny her appearance. But in exchange, she has poured so much love into all other aspects of her.
She raised Jule by calling him a ‘sweet boy’ likely because she understood that once his education as my heir began, there would be no one left to say such words to him.
Memories become strength. A great strength to endure hardship. Linaria raised Sheryl and Jule with this belief.
Jule is a man. From now on, I can teach him how to behave as a man and a gentleman.
But Sheryl is a woman. Linaria was convinced that if Sheryl were simply raised like a delicate flower, she would only face hardship later in life.
That is why, from their very first meeting, she has never failed to disparage Sheryl’s appearance alone.
If only I were a stronger, kinder man. If only I had the strength to reconcile with the memories of the past and face Sheryl, who grows more beautiful and more like her mother with each passing day.
Linaria, Jule, and my most beloved Sheryl.
Forgive me for leaving everything to you, who are so young. I am aware of how distorted this all is, yet I lack the strength to stop it. I cannot help but feel disgusted with my own pathetic self.
I will guarantee your livelihood, your station, everything. I will ensure you never suffer in that regard. For my three family members, this is all I can do.
I hold you all dear. It is fine if it never reaches you. I will continue to be the indifferent father and husband.
I may be this weak and pathetic man, but if anything were to ever happen to my family… I will be the one to save you.
Tonight, I will once again take my dinner alone in my office. The thought that, even at this very moment, someone who will protect my beautifully grown Sheryl might appear, brought tears to my eyes.
I love Linaria as my family. I love Jule, the son born between us, and more than anything, I love Sheryl.
Yes, I love them. It is just that I have let the great distance of time grow too vast between us to ever express it now. With Jule… perhaps there is still time.
I wonder when it was that my solitary dinners lost all their taste. This must be my punishment. If only I had been a more proper father and husband…
If I were allowed to dream.
One day, I want to tell my family.
That I love them.