[19] Chapter 3. To Not Love (6)
“Surprising. You only brought things for yourself.”
“I’m more surprised. That you came so lightly.”
In the shallow forest where the sun was setting, Fernciana, who had easily shattered Ilyas’s reproach, sighed.
She thought they could reach Desidiera before sunset if they walked quickly, but due to various things that happened along the way and the fact that she had been walking more slowly than she had imagined until then, when she came to her senses, the sun was setting and there was still a long way to go to Desidiera.
And it was only then that she found out Ilyas had neither a sleeping bag nor anything else. Ilyas’s expression also turned a bit serious.
Fernciana lightly savored the air. The weather wasn’t too difficult for sleeping outdoors, but it was a little troublesome to have only a light blanket and one sleeping bag to cover.
“It can’t be helped.”
“Huh?”
Fernciana held out her sleeping bag to Ilyas.
“It’s a bit small, so either your head or feet will stick out, but use this.”
“What about you?”
“Actually, I… I rarely catch colds or feel cold.”
“Ah, is this how you make people feel like human trash?”
“No, it’s true!”
Fernciana shouted, holding back her laughter, and Ilyas was busy grumbling. Fernciana deliberately let out a deep sigh.
“It’s not a joke. I can manage with just a blanket even in the middle of winter, so it’s really okay.”
“If you don’t feel cold to that extent, don’t you belong to a non-human category?”
“For example?”
“Are you a dragon?”
Ilyas narrowed his eyes and looked at her, and Fernciana showed the wound on her neck, a trace of the recent confrontation during the day.
“Are there dragons that get blemished by something like this?”
“Anyway, this is a matter of basic human decency. It’s a bit much for me to use the sleeping bag.”
“Are you sorry? Or feeling guilty? If not, is there another reason? Do you feel uncomfortable taking it because I’m a woman?”
“First, of course I’m sorry as a human being. Second, isn’t guilt the same as feeling sorry? Third, it’s normal for anyone to feel reluctant to take something from someone younger than them.”
“For the third point, if we consider mental age, I’m…”
“In terms of not telling your companion about your injury, you definitely fail as an adult.”
This time, Ilyas retorted without joking. Fernciana shut her mouth, feeling slightly embarrassed, and Ilyas pouted.
“Later on too. Make sure to tell others properly. If something hurts or anything like that.”
“Uh, uh-huh.”
Fernciana had many excuses she could make, but she didn’t say them.
Until her mother disappeared and Seollim died, she had always used things prepared from wood wherever she traveled, and until she went back in time like this, she had been living solely with the determination to kill the emperor, so she never had a chance to properly communicate with anyone on such topics. There were people who taught her swordsmanship, but she didn’t tell them about this either.
So she could have said that she had never talked about this before, so she didn’t think to mention it, or that she didn’t know he would worry so much, but…
“So what are we really going to do at night?”
“I really don’t get cold.”
“Then why are you carrying this?”
“I just brought it in case.”
Actually, it was to avoid people’s eyes.
If she slept with just a blanket in the middle of winter, anyone would think it was strange. The same went for summer, and unusual things were bound to stand out, so Fernciana always carried the minimum bedding.
Ilyas stared at Fernciana for a long time, then nodded as if he would let it slide for now and switched directions by starting to light a fire first.
While lighting a campfire and warming up something simple to eat on it, he started taking out various things. Fernciana, who was grilling dried ham and putting it between bread, tilted her head when she saw what Ilyas was taking out. It was a peculiar-shaped piece of wood and a knife that could fit in one hand.
“Shorty, stay back since you’ll get hurt.”
“What are you doing?”
“There are things adults do.”
Fernciana shrugged her shoulders and shoved a simply made sandwich into Ilyas’s mouth. Ilyas furrowed his brows at the violently inserted sandwich but obediently chewed.
After that, it was a quiet time. Fernciana stared at the bonfire as if mesmerized, then leaned against a wooden pillar and dozed off, while Ilyas held something in his hand and kept carving it from evening until the stars came out.
‘Is it like mental training? Anger management?’
It was dark, and the piece was small enough to fit in Ilyas’s hand, so it was difficult to see what he was doing unless she got very close. But if she tried to get close, he would immediately push her away, saying that children would get hurt again.
With the sound of insects and the scratching of wood being carved, drowsiness crept in. Fernciana glanced at Ilyas, who was sitting in front of the bonfire with only a thin blanket on his lap.
She was really surprised when Ilyas appeared in front of her. Since she had been thinking about him constantly, she first thought she might be seeing a mirage. But it was the real, living Ilyas.
Didn’t he clearly get on the carriage heading to Pomilas? How did he come? Such thoughts quickly turned into bubbles and disappeared, and she couldn’t help but laugh first.
‘Quickly, hurry, anyone…’
Before it’s too late, hurry, Fernciana thought as she looked at Ilyas’s beige hair through her hazy vision.
The sun doesn’t shine its light to sprout just one seed, so in order not to cling only to that sun, there must be something else. Water would be fine. Other seeds would be fine too.
During the ‘past’ time, her sun was the desire to kill the emperor. And now that such a passionate sun was gone, she was just lingering in the shade like a flower withering, seeking a spot where the sunlight reached. And then…
‘I’m like this because I have nothing. Because I have nothing. So hurry and find someone else…’
Before it’s too late, hurry…
Just before falling asleep, Fernciana thought she made eye contact with Ilyas. His black eyes on his white face looked at her, then crinkled and smiled.
*
Fernciana woke up just before sunrise.
As soon as she realized she was covered in a sleeping bag, Fernciana sat up abruptly. The campfire was almost out, and Ilyas was leaning against a wooden pillar, covered with the blanket she had been using last night. He didn’t listen even though she said it was okay.
Fernciana got up, dusted off the sleeping bag she had been using, and covered Ilyas with it.
The morning sunlight was still weak, with a chilly color. Fernciana put a few more logs into the dying campfire and slowly stretched.
Ilyas woke up when she started preparing sandwiches by slowly grilling cut fruits on the fire. Rubbing his eyes as he woke up from sleep, the first thing Ilyas did was sigh when he saw the sleeping bag on top of him.
“When did you wake up?”
“Just a little while ago. Did you sleep well?”
“I slept well…”
Ilyas answered in a husky voice as he got up, then sneezed. Just as Fernciana was about to say “See?”, he quickly covered her mouth. He let go when he saw the ham she was grilling until golden brown.
Fernciana and Ilyas finished a simple breakfast and set off again on the road to Desidiera.
Since it was morning, the only things passing by were small squirrels. Ilyas looked at Fernciana with a slightly dumbfounded expression when he saw a squirrel that had sat on her shoulder drop a fruit as big as its face and swiftly fly away.
“What’s this now?”
“It’s the virtue of a protagonist, you know?”
Fernciana said that and crunched on the fruit the squirrel had given her. Then she rummaged through her pocket and placed a few almonds on a tree branch. Soon, a few squirrels came running, took the almonds in their hands, and left.
By the time the sun was above their heads, Ilyas and Fernciana arrived at Desidiera. The small gateway from the southwest to the capital was not crowded with people, but it was a lively place.