Chapter 93: Epilogue (Part 2)
Yokohama, Special Division for Unusual Powers.
“Mr. Ango, long time no see. Do you still remember me?”
Adhering to the life principle of “as long as you don’t get off work, you don’t have to go to work,” the ultimate beast of burden, Yokohama’s number one corporate slave, the tsukkomi-style glasses man, Sakaguchi Ango, nodded sorrowfully. “I do.”
“I will never forget you for the rest of my life, Miss Fan An.”
Not only because the movie she starred in was currently a hot release, and Sakaguchi Ango had been dragged by his colleague, Tsujimura Mizuki, to watch it, and had happened to run into the Port Mafia and the Armed Detective Agency’s team-building event in the theater, and the abilities flying around had almost knocked off Sakaguchi Ango’s glasses, which he regarded as his main body, but also because Miss Fan An herself was very memorable.
Sakaguchi Ango: My life has been ruined by a pun.
Miss Fan An’s memorable points were not only her honorable name, but also her unique ability name, which was unforgettable.
For an ability-user, their ability is their other face. A person with a nice-sounding ability name can walk the streets of Yokohama with their back a little straighter.
For example, no matter how Mori Ougai stepped on Fukuzawa Yukichi, [No Longer Human] is just more stylish than [Vita Sexualis]. Even if the Port Mafia’s boss slandered the Armed Detective Agency’s president as an ancient-style pretty boy, it couldn’t shake a normal person’s aesthetic.
(T/N: A playful mix-up of ability names from Bungo Stray Dogs for comedic effect.)
Another example is [On Decadence]. Short, grand, and profound. Much more high-class than the depressing-sounding [No Longer Human].
“What? My ability is clearly stronger than Ango’s!” Dazai Osamu protested.
Sakaguchi Ango pushed up his glasses. “This is the Special Division for Unusual Powers. My approval rating is definitely higher—by the way, Dazai-kun, why are you here?”
The dark-haired young man in a camel-colored trench coat said with righteous conviction, “Kunikida-kun and Atsushi-kun are trying to get me to quit my internet addiction and go to work. The Special Division’s internet is good. I’m here to leech off the WiFi.”
He shook his phone, revealing the game page of “Yokohama Grand Stage, Come if You’ve Got the Guts.”
Fan An’s eyes lit up. “Friend, what’s your rank?”
Dazai mysteriously showed his ID—a permanent resident of the top ten on the leaderboard, [Refreshing, Bright, and Full of Vigor Self-Slaughter].
Fan An: It’s you! My friend from the dragon-slaying raid!
This was a netizen meet-up!
The two black heads quickly huddled together. Dazai enthusiastically invited An’an to join his team. “Next season, we’ll be fighting the demon, the kind-hearted Russian, the man as strong as a brown bear, and there’s also a vampire dungeon. Don’t miss out.”
An’an patted her chest and promised, “I’ll definitely be online. Family, wait for me.”
The friendship of internet addicts is simple and pure. In just a few minutes, the two had already exchanged contact information.
Sakaguchi Ango had to cough forcefully to get An’an back on track. The blond Public Security officer behind the girl was already looking very dangerous.
“Miss Fan An is here to update her ability-user file, right?” Sakaguchi Ango pulled up her file. Dazai leaned over to take a look.
Name: Fan An
Ability: My Respected ■■ Mentor
Two short lines, which shocked Dazai for a whole year.
“I’m sorry,” the former youngest executive of the Port Mafia’s expression was blank. “What is a ‘■■ Mentor’?”
Such a suspicious censored word! An ability name even more unspeakable than [Vita Sexualis] has appeared.
An’an gave him a disdainful look. “What kind of perverted thing are you thinking of? My ability is very proper.”
Dazai: Really? I don’t believe you.jpg
How could An’an allow a netizen she had just met to question the truth of her words? “Mentor—Mentor Scotch, say something!”
Hiromitsu stood out under the watchful eyes of everyone.
“This is my respected Crime Mentor,” the dark-haired girl introduced with a straight face. “Portable, changeable, with a variety of skins for you to pick and choose. Let me demonstrate.”
Hiromitsu: “Wait a minute! You don’t have to go this far just to register an ability—”
Too late.
Not a moment was wasted mourning Hiromitsu’s shattered personality. What followed was the miraculous Scotch’s tour of Yokohama!
Gin, Rum, Sailor Moon, Saint Seiya, a magical girl, some Teletubbies, Batman, and Superman took the stage in turn. Finally, Mentor Scotch changed into his new skin—[Dazai Osamu].
The original Dazai was speechless. “…”
He was laughing hysterically. Sakaguchi Ango couldn’t bear to look. Dazai-kun was laughing hysterically.
It’s been a long time since the young master has laughed so happily.jpg
Dazai almost laughed himself out of breath. As he struggled to regain his composure, he placed his hand on Hiromitsu’s shoulder.
[No Longer Human] activated. The ability was nullified.
Hiromitsu changed back to his original appearance.
Dazai thought for a moment, then placed his hand on An’an’s shoulder.
Nothing happened.
“Eh?” Dazai was surprised. “According to An’an’s words, this Inspector Morofushi was resurrected because of your ability. Does the nullification of an ability not affect his existence itself?”
“Because Hiro has already been resurrected,” An’an didn’t find it strange. “If [No Longer Human] were to take his life, wouldn’t it be that he dies when you touch him and comes back to life when you don’t, over and over again like sit-ups?”
Hiromitsu whispered to Furuya, “I’m going to remove sit-ups from my workout routine.”
So dark. What a dark joke.
Just by being able to resurrect the dead, An’an dared to say that her ability was the strongest in the world. But Dazai was not convinced.
“Why is its name [My Respected Crime Mentor]? And why is the definition of a crime mentor so strange?” Dazai asked. “Are even undercover Public Security officers counted as criminals? Then what about a former killer who has washed his hands of his past?”
A good question. An’an thought about it and opened the mentor pool.
Mentor Scotch had nothing left to teach her. An’an could choose another mentor to learn from.
The mentor pool was still crowded. As usual, she only looked at the mentors with a five-star friendliness rating.
A former killer who has washed his hands of his past… eh, there really is one.
[Mentor Description: Once a top-tier killer, now a single father raising five children. Emotionally stable, likes spicy curry rice. Friendliness: Five Stars]
A single father raising five children. Then his emotions must be very stable. As a mentor, he would probably be a conscientious, honest person who could praise a student’s shitty thesis without batting an eye. A capybara-type mentor.
[Are you sure you want to study under Mentor Odasaku?]
An’an clicked confirm.
A flash of light. A young man with red hair was summoned, looking bewildered.
Odasaku looked around. “Dazai? Ango?”
Why are you all here? Is the entrance to hell at Lupin?
Sakaguchi Ango’s glasses clattered to the floor. He squatted down to find them, as if he were blind.
Dazai had no glasses to drop. He opened and closed his eyes, then closed and opened them again.
“I take back my previous words,” Dazai said, completely convinced. “An’an, your ability is the strongest in the world!”
An’an nodded as if it were a matter of course. “It’s just a fact. No need to repeat it.”
Hiromitsu walked over to Odasaku and whispered to him the 108 small skills a crime mentor needs to master, including but not limited to cooking, housework, and handling family disputes…
Odasaku, a single father of five: Great! I know all of these.
Dazai was worried that the newly summoned crime mentor would be unstable and didn’t dare to touch Odasaku. He came over to cling to An’an. “Show me again! I want to see the skin-changing function! Give Odasaku a Sailor Moon skin!”
Furuya, who had finished his business with the Special Division, walked over. He had a friendly smile on his face, but his hand ruthlessly pulled Dazai away. “Stay away from other people’s fiancée.”
Such a petty person, Dazai thought. But it was also very enviable. Damn it.
“Such a beautiful young lady, yet I can’t commit a double suicide with her. What’s the point of my life?” Dazai sobbed, his thunder loud but his rain dry.
Kunikida Doppo, who had rushed to the Special Division to catch his slacking colleague, clenched his fist and punched him. “You bastard! Don’t cause trouble for others!”
Dazai took the opportunity to fall to the ground and play dead. Suspect An was shocked. “Is this life also on my hands?”
Kunikida reassured An’an. “The Yokohama police, as long as they see the deceased is Dazai, will immediately close the case as a suicide.”
Dazai: So cruel! This world is so malicious towards me!
“An’an, this is just my personal understanding. Your definition of ‘crime mentor’ might be a little off.”
After the joke, Dazai became serious.
“Is it possible that ‘crime mentor’ doesn’t mean ‘a mentor who has committed a crime’ but ‘a mentor who can teach you to commit a crime’—in other words, anyone who has mastered criminal skills can be called a crime mentor.”
That makes sense.
“A word game?” An’an mused. She opened the mentor pool again.
With a refresh, a lot of new people suddenly appeared in the pool.
“So that’s it,” An’an was enlightened. She was completely enlightened. “So my ability was born into this world to cultivate me into a world-class master of crime! I never understood its good intentions!”
It all made sense. It all made sense. This was the ability a Fan family member should have!
A strong sense of mission welled up in Suspect An’s heart. Gentlemen, I’m going to commit a crime.
The girl’s back was pressed against a firm chest. The hand with the ring was held, and another ring was pressed against her palm, its presence distinct.
The blond Public Security officer lovingly brushed the girl’s soft bangs and said in a gentle voice, “No.”
An’an’s dream of crime, on the first day of its budding, was shattered.
The Special Division for Unusual Powers was in chaos. Sakaguchi Ango didn’t even have to think to know that he wouldn’t be able to get off work again.
He had to first get Hiromitsu’s household registration, and then Odasaku’s. The thought of the materials he had to submit and the endless meetings made Sakaguchi Ango’s vision go black again and again.
“Since Miss Fan An is already under the watch of Public Security, the Special Division doesn’t need to send anyone for her safety. But please, do not abuse your ability. If you have to use it…” Sakaguchi Ango paused and said earnestly, “Please use it after I get off work, okay?”
Dazai: “But Ango, you never get off work.”
Sakaguchi Ango: “Don’t say that! I will get off work sooner or later!”
Odasaku: “Thank you for your hard work, Ango. Thank you for not letting me be an unregistered resident.”
Although he couldn’t get off work himself, Sakaguchi Ango insisted on treating An’an to dinner. Led by Dazai, who “knows every good restaurant in Yokohama,” everyone present went. The Special Division would approve the funds and reimburse the treat.
An’an and Furuya were walking hand in hand at the back. While he was chatting with Kunikida about the Armed Detective Agency, she secretly opened the mentor pool.
Filter for five-star friendliness crime mentors—there they are.
“Mentor Matsuda Jinpei, Mentor Hagiwara Kenji, Mentor Date Wataru… someday, I’ll summon them and see.”
An Ordinary Passerby in Beika Town – END