Chapter 58
Xie Yao’s gaze stopped. He looked away at the wax seal. It was very tight, and no second person had seen it. He turned back, paused on those few words, and continued to read.
On the letter.
…Xie Mingyan, do you have any balls? How long are you going to avoid it? Do you still want to live a good life with me?
If you’ve thought it through, come back on a sunny day. If you haven’t thought it through for the time being, don’t come back to see me.
Song Yuli.
After reading it, he scanned the whole thing again. It was clear that Yuli had been calm at first, but had gotten more and more angry as she wrote.
Xie Yao’s eyes moved. He folded the letter, put it back in the envelope, and did not open the second one.
Since Song He had stepped into the hall, the ministers had all been silent. Seeing the regent read the letter first, they all anxiously glanced at his face.
Seeing him pause at a certain point, their hearts all sank. It seemed that the war in the northern border was even more urgent than what was stated in the war report.
In addition, the regent’s expression had been tired recently, and he would occasionally frown and be in a daze during discussions.
Now it seemed that something had really happened to the Shenwu Army.
After putting away the letter, Xie Yao’s expression was cold and deep, and no emotion could be seen.
He pressed the letter under the kirin paperweight and said to the people in the hall, “Continue.”
The Right Vice Director of the Department of State Affairs immediately spoke up. “It seems that Your Highness will have to go on this expedition in person.”
The Minister of War agreed. The other two Grand Councilors did not speak for the time being.
Cui Chengbi stood up. “Your Highness must stay in the capital. This subject requests to lead the troops to the rescue.”
Xie Yao glanced at everyone’s expression in the hall. “Tell me your thoughts.”
Of the two who had not spoken, one was the Minister of Revenue, and the other was the Vice Minister of Personnel. Both were officials whom Xie Yao had promoted from humble backgrounds and could be considered strong and pragmatic and upright.
The Vice Minister of Personnel said, “This subject served in the army in my youth and knows the ferocity of the Rouran well. However, the Shenwu Army has defeated them several times, and the Rouran clan fears them like a tiger. Although the young general Du is young, he has been tempered on the battlefield and is not a person who only talks about military strategy on paper. The Shenwu Army he leads is also elite. Now it is just a temporary defeat. Perhaps we can give him some more time.”
The Minister of Revenue said, “The battle in the northern border has been fought twice and lost twice, and the military expenditure has been huge. If this third battle is lost again, I’m afraid the national treasury will not be able to sustain it. Besides.”
He paused. Xie Yao looked at him. “Continue.”
The Minister of Revenue: “Now, both inside and outside the court, I’m afraid the Shenwu Army cannot afford a defeat.” He said it implicitly, but no one present did not understand.
He finished his words. “This subject also agrees with the Right Vice Director. Your Highness should lead the expedition in person for a quick and decisive victory.”
Xie Yao did not express his opinion. Cui Chengbi continued to foolishly request to go to battle. “Your Highness does not have to worry. Now, those who followed the late Crown Prince in the rebellion in the capital have not been completely suppressed. If Your Highness leaves the capital, I’m afraid they will make a comeback, and no one in the court can suppress them. Let this subject go. Although this subject is not talented, I also followed Your Highness to the royal court back then and know the way very well.”
The Right Vice Director held him back. “Is the Grand General Cui really sure of victory?”
Cui Chengbi hesitated again and smiled. “If we talk about certain victory, only Your Highness can do it.”
The Right Vice Director glanced at him and bowed to the person at the head of the table. “The hearts of the court have been won over. Even if the old clans are not completely extinguished, they are no longer a threat. Now that the court has been in turmoil for a long time, and His Majesty is young and unable to govern, the Shenwu Army is the stabilizing force. We cannot afford to be defeated in the northern border. This subject requests Your Highness to lead the expedition in person. We will surely be able to stabilize the situation in the capital and not give those with ill intentions a chance to cause trouble.”
“Mm, I have a plan,” Xie Yao said calmly. “Grand General Cui, stay.”
Everyone had already done their duty. Leaving Grand General Cui behind meant that the rest was military secrets. Everyone bowed and withdrew. The servants also consciously withdrew. Only Xie Yao and Cui Chengbi were left in the hall.
Cui Chengbi looked suspicious.
“Immediately assemble the army. In three days, you will go to the rescue.”
Cui Chengbi opened his mouth in surprise. This was not the same as the previous plan.
Cui Chengbi’s brow was tightly furrowed. “Has something happened?”
According to the plan, they would either let Du Ling hold on for a few more days, or they would immediately lead a personal expedition. There had been no discussion of him going to the rescue.
Even if it were a huge change, this person before him had never changed a major military decision.
“Just follow the order,” Xie Yao replied, his gaze on the two letters pressed under the paperweight.
Cui Chengbi thought for a while but still couldn’t figure it out. He asked in a low voice, “When I go this time, will it be a victory or a defeat?”
Xie Yao was silent for a long time. “A quick victory.”
Cui Chengbi’s face darkened. He lowered his voice and advised, “Such a good opportunity. If Your Highness lets it go, I’m afraid it will be years before it comes again.”
Xie Yao’s face was cold and deep. They both knew what was going on. Cui Chengbi didn’t dare to say more. The person before him was not one to be easily swayed. Something big must have happened.
But he still couldn’t help but ask, “What on earth happened?”
Xie Yao raised his eyes, his gaze full of imposing majesty. “A military order. Just execute it.”
It seemed that there was a reason why it had to be this way. Cui Chengbi firmly believed that although this master was young, his mind and composure were far superior to the emperors of this dynasty. He would not be swayed by a few words from him.
Cui Chengbi said no more, took his order, and left.
After everyone had left, Xie Yao finally opened the second letter that Yuli had sent.
The handwriting on it was much neater than the first one. He read it word by word.
Husband:
I don’t know what you are doing right now, or how you are feeling. Are you in high spirits or wavering? Do you still remember what you said to me last night, that you are not good?
From what I have seen, you are calm and composed, and everything is under your control. When I heard those words, I was both surprised and heartbroken. But today, after thinking about it carefully, I suddenly feel that it is very normal for you to have such thoughts.
My strength is meager. I have to use all my strength to run a small shop, and I will shrink back from a temporary failure. And I cannot fight on the battlefield, nor can I govern the country. I feel timid even when I see a county magistrate, let alone making all kinds of people submit. But you can.
On this point, I am also not good. I am not worthy of you.
There is no perfect person in the world. I know my weaknesses well and have never expected you to be perfect.
I am not as strong as you. If I were to walk a few steps towards you, and you were to always turn your back to me, I’m afraid I would shrink back. Since you have chosen me so firmly, and it has to be me, why not try to entrust yourself to me completely?
I cannot guarantee that I can accept all your bad points, but I will always remember your good points.
Believe me, and also believe in yourself.
Yuli.
After reading the letter, Xie Yao did not move for a long time and scanned the words one by one again.
He imagined Yuli’s expression when she said these words. It must have been gentle and smiling. She would hold his hand and tell him that he was very good, but it was okay to be not good, to be not perfect. Even if he were really not good, she would always remember his good points.
His throat was dry, and there was a very strange feeling in his eyes.
His heart was in a mess, but every beat was very novel, sometimes so soft that it seemed not to exist, and sometimes so sour that it was heart-piercing.
After a long time, he finally distinguished it. This was the feeling of being truly loved by her, which he had longed for so much but could not imagine.
But it seemed not to be a good feeling. He wanted to grasp the softest heartbeat, but it was fleeting. When he wanted to find it again, the more he looked, the more lost he felt. Even if he caught it again, it would quickly turn into emptiness.
Yuli could feel his clumsy efforts, knew that it had to be her, and was so brave and firm in the face of his capriciousness.
And in the face of her gentleness and firmness, he was the complete opposite. Where on earth was he sick?
For more than twenty years, he had never felt humble. He should have been a child of heaven, just born in the wrong place.
However, in front of her, he would often think of the trivial matters of the past, and those despicable people. It was in the struggle with them that he had been created, and he could not escape being stained with their shadow.
But it was not entirely so. There were ready-made examples of people with the same background as him, but with completely different personalities.
Was he born a murderer, or was he forced by the world? He had a vague answer. The closer he got to this answer, the more afraid he was of being hated by Yuli.
Concealment could no longer be maintained. Especially after seeing Yuli’s letter today, he would only hold her tighter, and in front of her, he would only be more difficult to control.
Would it be useful to entrust himself completely?
At this thought, he closed his eyes, his breathing was not smooth, and his mind was constantly filled with Yuli’s face, and the faces he had once seen.
Just the thought of letting Yuli face their ugliness made him want to kill them with his own hands.
The study was quiet for a long time. Xie Yao placed the two letters together and read them several times.
He silently recited the words he wanted to say to Yuli in his heart:
My birth mother was a prostitute who sold her body. She had me to curry favor with the second master of the Duke of Qing’s Residence.
My father was a good-for-nothing who frequented brothels, kept seven or eight mistresses, and had five illegitimate children.
My birth mother, in order to please him, to get more money and favor, forced me, a young child, to study to please him. If I didn’t learn well, she would abuse me. But every time that good-for-nothing came, he would hold her and go into the room…
He couldn’t go on. Every word was ordinary, but when they were strung together into sentences and formed a picture, it was so disgusting.
From the first sentence, Yuli’s expression was hard to imagine. Even if she didn’t distinguish between high and low, she distinguished between good and evil. He was sure that she disliked greedy and self-degrading people.
He was by no means self-degrading, but was he greedy?
As for the words that followed, just the thought of them made him lose control. He couldn’t control his tone and expression. The thought of Yuli’s possible reaction would immediately make him do something abnormal.
He couldn’t say it to her in person. He couldn’t control himself.
But Yuli had taken such a precious step towards her. The rest should be borne by him.
He had to find a foolproof and controllable way.
To have Song He or Jingyu say it, no, they had their own biases and could not let Yuli understand the whole picture.
He wanted her to understand the whole picture, to see what kind of evaluation his experiences would have in her mind. Only in this way could he be targeted and accurately control her emotions.
He was indeed greedy.
But Yuli had said that it was normal for him to be not perfect.
Xie Yao couldn’t help but smile. He folded the two letters carefully, wrapped them in silk, and put them in his inner pocket.
Then he ordered someone to summon Cui Chengbi back.
Cui Chengbi, who was almost at the military camp, hurried back, thinking that his master had changed his mind and was going to proceed according to the original plan.
“Assemble the army first, and hold your troops. Wait for my order in three days,” Xie Yao said.
Cui Chengbi was a little disappointed, but it was better than him really going to the rescue and winning, and then stopping there.
It seemed that there was still room for maneuver, but it was not optimistic. Cui Chengbi solemnly took his order.
*
In the evening.
Mingyue Residence.
Today, Song He came back with a message. “The Young Master is busy with matters and will not be back today. He has instructed the Mistress not to worry, to rest early, and to rest peacefully.”
Yuli was relieved but still asked with some unease, “Is he really not coming back? I’m going to lock the doors and windows.”
Song He lowered his head. “Those are the Young Master’s original words.”
So it was not very certain.
Yuli asked him, “The letter I gave you, you didn’t show it to him, did you?”
Song He said, “When this subordinate came to report, that letter was already on the Young Master’s desk.”
So he had seen it.
Yuli, on the contrary, was calm. So be it if he had seen it. She had used both soft and hard tactics and had no other way. She could only quietly wait for his reaction.
That night, Yuli went to bed early and told Xiyun and Jingyu not to stay up either, but to go to bed early. They had been on tenterhooks for the past few days and were really tired.
The lights in Mingyue Residence were extinguished early. In the early summer night, there were only the low chirps of the summer insects that had just woken up from spring.
Xie Yao returned silently, without making any sound. He passed through the flower trellis under the moonlight, went around the rockery, and walked to the door of the main room.
He stood for a while, then reached out his finger and gently pushed the door.
The door opened a crack. It was open, not locked.
A smile appeared on Xie Yao’s lips. He pursed his lips and slowly withdrew his finger, closing the door.
He walked to the window outside the bedchamber and stood there. For a long time, he seemed to have only just noticed the camellia tree in front of the eaves, which was taller than the eaves.
At this time, it was the peak of the flowering season. Large camellia flowers were dotted among the dense green leaves, glowing with a faint grayish-white light in the moonlight, so quiet that it was as if time had stood still.
Two flower hoes were leaning against each other under the flower tree. The ground was wet. It should have been Yuli who had watered it. She had always liked to take care of the flower trees in Mingyue Residence herself, and she had not forgotten to water them today.
Xie Yao took a deep breath and walked down the steps. The goldfish in the fish tank had also grown fat and were floating in the water, motionless.
He slowly walked along the small path and, on a whim, sat on the swing.
Hearing a very light meow, Xie Yao turned his head and saw the white cat on top of the rockery, its head raised, staring at him, its whiskers trembling slightly.
Xie Yao glanced at it. It stroked its whiskers, tilted its head, and continued to lie down.
Xie Yao turned his head back, his legs apart, and began to swing gently.
The iron chain connected to the pivot made a sound, very slight. He quickly stopped.
Hearing the door of the east wing open, he did not move. It was only when the footsteps were behind him that he slowly stood up.
Wangyun Courtyard.
The lights were dim, the stone slabs were cold and hard, and a glance showed it was very boring.
Xie Yao only stood at the door and did not go in. Jingyu stood under the eaves, her eyes lowered, but her neck and back were very straight.
“Even you have changed,” Xie Yao began.