“2019.09.20 Cloudy”
All secret crushes ended here.
—Excerpt from Tao Shuran’s Diary
The summer in Fuqing City suddenly did not seem so bright anymore.
Dark clouds pressed down heavily, turning everything gray and hazy. The ginkgo trees planted along the roadside shed their leaves rustlingly with every gust of wind.
Tao Shuran finally lifted her head.
She saw Liang Yuanjing’s indifferent and cold expression. He might not have known how fierce his usually playful and carefree face looked when expressionless.
She had also grown accustomed to his gentle attentiveness, so at this moment, she actually felt heartbroken.
“I can explain.”
Tao Shuran’s eyelashes trembled, her voice shaking as she looked into his eyes and repeated.
“I can explain it to you.”
Liang Yuanjing lowered his gaze. He tilted his head slightly, revealing a blade-sharp profile, his voice sounding cold as well.
He asked straightforwardly, “Who is y?”
“It’s you.”
Everything became crystal clear.
All those carefully concealed facts shook loose cleanly at this moment. Tao Shuran had never imagined that one day all her shy secrets would unfold in such a disheveled state.
She took a deep breath. “Yes, it’s exactly what you think.”
She had a secret crush on him, drawn close to him with all the persistence and solitary courage of her girlhood, wholeheartedly willing to stand by his side.
The path of youth was not without confusion and melancholy, but because he stood at the end of her future, she charged forward without hesitation.
Even now, she still strove desperately for the sake of going to Jingbei.
Tao Shuran smiled bitterly. “Now I’ve laid everything bare before you.”
She didn’t even dare call his name, her voice soft, always afraid that this dream would shatter.
Liang Yuanjing pressed his lips tight, his dark eyes lingering on her for a long time.
After a while, he spoke softly—
“If I had known earlier that you liked me, I definitely wouldn’t have dated you.”
One sentence plunged Tao Shuran entirely into an ice cellar.
Tears finally welled up uncontrollably in her eyes. She staggered back two steps, feeling her blood surging, every part of her body torn with pain.
“I’m sorry for deceiving you.”
Seeing her tears, Liang Yuanjing turned away quickly.
His hands hung rigidly at his sides in utmost restraint. Various complex emotions intertwined, but upon seeing her teary eyes, he suddenly softened.
“You should head back to the dorm first.”
He said, “Let’s both calm down separately.”
Watching his departing back, Tao Shuran realized she had probably ruined everything.
She had shattered the peaceful relationship between them—not only could they no longer be friends, but Liang Yuanjing had approached her with the pure intention of being friends.
Yet she had schemed step by step like a thief with ulterior motives, maneuvering to stand by his side.
She had exploited his sincerity and attentiveness, betraying his feelings.
At this thought, Tao Shuran was too heartbroken to speak.
For the first time, she lost composure in public, walking alone down the long corridor while sobbing uncontrollably.
“Tao Shuran?”
At the end of the corridor, Fu Changpei called out to her.
As if prepared, he handed her a whole pack of tissues, then quietly and silently stayed by her side.
Tao Shuran said softly, “You already know?”
Fu Changpei looked at her warmly. “Have you forgotten? I’ve always known.”
He had always known she liked someone else, always silently guarding her by her side in the posture of someone who liked her.
In a way, Fu Changpei felt that at this moment, she was another version of himself.
Tao Shuran hung her head dejectedly. “I think I did something completely wrong.”
“Is that so? But I’ve never thought you were wrong.”
Fu Changpei said in a relaxed tone, “The desire to get close to the person you like is instinct. You neither overreacted emotionally nor troubled anyone else. Compared to those suitors who rush onto the training field and disrupt Liang Yuanjing’s training plans, your affection is as gentle and precious as winter snow.”
“Really?” Tao Shuran said sadly. “But I feel like Liang Yuanjing is really angry.”
Fu Changpei walked slowly beside her, his gentle brows slightly lowered, comforting her with utmost tenderness.
“I understand A Jing. He’s not actually angry because you deceived him, but because he’s fallen into a state of chaotic order.”
“He treated you as a friend, and suddenly one day you say you really like him. He hasn’t dated anyone, nor had close contact with girls. Faced with something completely outside his plans, he definitely can’t make the most correct response and choice right away.”
“But you have to believe his sense of responsibility will resolve this. Right now, both you and he just need some time to think.”
“What do you want, Tao Shuran?”
In the slightly desolate autumn wind, Fu Changpei’s voice was like a cello slowly drawing its first notes, guiding her to think gradually with sufficient tolerance.
“Do you hope to take your relationship with him further, or do you want things to stay as they were before?”
Tao Shuran’s thoughts gradually cleared. The moment she walked out of Qing University’s campus, she turned back for a distant glance.
At the end of the phoenix trees lining both sides of the avenue, she vaguely saw Liang Yuanjing’s figure—tall and straight, unrestrained in posture, as if standing there waving to her, silently mouthing—“See you at Qing University.”
In this moment, Tao Shuran finally heard all the thoughts in her heart.
Her expression firmed up, her voice even crisper.
“I hope he always stands tall, always full of vigor.”
As for the outcome, a secret crush sought no results.
“Me too.”
Behind her, out of her sight, Fu Changpei said softly, “I also hope you stay forever happy and joyful.”
In the milk tea shop just one street away from Qing University, Tao Shuran waited here until Fang Qingyi hurriedly arrived.
Her eyes were red-rimmed; she seemed to have already cried a round before coming.
Tao Shuran tiredly pulled out a smile and patted her shoulder comfortingly.
She knew this was the empathy of fellow secret admirers—no one wanted their most cherished affection exposed to the public in such a way.
The heavy atmosphere was broken by the two cups of milk tea Fu Changpei brought. He pushed one to Fang Qingyi, knowing her taste perfectly.
“This one’s yours, less ice.”
Fu Changpei pulled out a few tissues to wipe the ring of water droplets from the cup’s edge, then pushed it forward with two fingers pinched together. He still couldn’t help reminding her, “The weather’s cooling down; drink less iced stuff.”
“Got it.” Fang Qingyi stuck out her tongue. “Next time I should call you daddy; you’re more nagging than my dad.”
Fu Changpei shot her a sharp glare.
Fang Qingyi immediately raised her hands obediently in surrender.
“My bad, Teacher Fu.”
Half an hour later, Luo Qiuya finally rushed over.
“Sorry, really sorry, Ranran. I didn’t expect that post to spread so widely. I was just too angry and anxious to clear my name, so I posted your diary.”
“Really, when I saw this diary, I was especially moved. I felt your feelings for each other were so pure, so I couldn’t help taking a photo to save it.”
“I picked up your diary later and put it back in your original cabinet. Oh right, I ran into Xu Yanyang on the way and had him deliver it to you smoothly. Did you get it?”
Tao Shuran’s gaze slowly fell on the filthy diary on the table.
She was too upset to speak, turning her head away with difficulty, unwilling even to look at Luo Qiuya.
“You should go back first.”
Luo Qiuya made an “apologetic” gesture. “Sorry about that, Ranran. Tonight when we get back, I’ll treat you to milk tea.”
Who knew Tao Shuran’s next words would be—
“But I won’t forgive you.”
No one had expected her to take such a decisive and straightforward stance. Even Luo Qiuya herself was completely stunned.
In her view, a little laugh-it-off would have passed it, so how did it stiffen their relationship this much?
She forced a smile, dropped a “Whatever,” and left without looking back.
A text message notification broke the frozen atmosphere.
Tao Shuran lowered her head to unlock her phone and stood up the instant she glimpsed the message.
She said softly, “I need to head back to school. Teacher Lin has something for me.”
“Want me to go with you?” Fang Qingyi looked at her worriedly. “Ranran, if you’re sad, just cry it out. Don’t hold it in alone.”
“I’m fine.”
“Teacher Lin probably wants me for the Jingbei Project Group interview results.” Tao Shuran took a deep breath. “Wish me luck, Little Yi.”
Packing up her mood, Tao Shuran walked back to school.
Autumn’s desolation always showed first in the phoenix trees along the roadsides. Her gaze followed these trees forward, gradually settling on the building with its hip-and-gable-style roof, this campus blending Chinese and Western architecture, known as the most beautiful in the Orient—Qing University.
In this moment, Tao Shuran oddly began to linger on everything.
“Student Tao Shuran, after this project group’s comprehensive evaluation, you were not selected for this Jingbei Project Group selection. We hope you keep striving and continue working hard.”
After announcing the group decision, Lin Tingzhou patted her shoulder comfortingly.
“In terms of age and experience, you’re quite junior. Settle down and train for another year or two; I believe in your potential.”
Tao Shuran said, “Okay.”
Lin Tingzhou hesitated to speak, then after a moment, she said warmly, “I know about you and A Jing.”
“I thought about it, and rather than hiding it, it’s better for me to chat with you face-to-face. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable, we can skip this topic.”
“No discomfort.”
Tao Shuran smiled bitterly. “I like him, and everything I did was for him.”
From the moment her secret crush diary was posted online, Tao Shuran knew she could no longer hide her feelings for Liang Yuanjing.
She began avoiding everyone connected to Liang Yuanjing, unsure what they thought of her.
Since Lin Tingzhou brought it up, Tao Shuran gritted her teeth and faced it head-on.
Her situation was already bad enough; any more blame or trials were just a bit more of the same to her now.
Unexpectedly, Lin Tingzhou instead grumbled reproachfully about Liang Yuanjing.
“It’s that A Jing kid stirring up another romantic entanglement.”
In the tone of an elder, she earnestly advised:
“But life’s choices aren’t entirely about another person.”
Tao Shuran lowered her eyelashes and said softly, “Someone else said the same to me.”
“He hopes I can break free from dependence and habit, and walk my own path independently.”
Lin Tingzhou nodded vigorously in agreement. “Maybe when you’re on your own, you’ll shine even more brightly.”
“Banyue Xing is also a bright and dazzling star.”
Hearing the last sentence, Tao Shuran’s long-suppressed emotions finally burst forth.
She cried, tears streaming down. The long-bottled sadness of her secret crush poured out all at once.
Liking someone was truly both so joyful and so sorrowful.
Now the moon finally knew it was the moon.
But she could no longer be the star accompanying him.
Finally, Lin Tingzhou handed her a few documents.
“I have a few other projects here, all in remote locations with tough conditions. You can consider if you want to go.”
“But this time, I hope you choose for yourself, not for anyone else to go to a certain city.”
Tao Shuran clutched the heavy stack of documents as she left the office.
It was an overcast day. After September in Fuqing City, it loved to rain. Liang Yuanjing disliked carrying an umbrella, rushing out from the training field several times in downpours.
Thus, she developed the habit of carrying two umbrellas.
But she rarely encountered him. Their schedules didn’t sync, and the spare umbrella sat idle in the corner like her tangled teenage thoughts.
Today, Tao Shuran once again uncontrollably walked to his training area.
The open training field came into full view from the second-floor staircase of the adjacent small building.
This was a prime vantage point few knew about, a secret base Tao Shuran had discovered after wandering there countless times alone.
She leaned on the railing, propping herself with her arms, squinting in the wind to search for Liang Yuanjing’s figure.
He still stood out the most in the crowd. The blue-green training uniform outlined his tall frame. He stood somewhat lazily, a foxtail grass dangling from his mouth, his expression both cold and indifferent.
After a while, the uniformed instructor stormed over furiously.
“Liang Yuanjing!”
Liang Yuanjing immediately stood straight and shouted loudly, “Here!”
The training etched into his very bones meant that even under a barrage of scolding, he kept his unchanged expression and a posture as steady as a rock.
Tao Shuran poked her head out, straining to catch any sound through the wind.
“Why have you been so out of it lately? Don’t think you can do whatever you want just because you have high talent.”
“Is it because romance is affecting you? Haven’t you had enough of the bitter lesson from being suspended from training for a month because of those girls?”
“I told you on the first day of training that maintaining a calm mindset is an essential quality for every pilot. At any moment, we cannot let emotions sway us; we must use reason to make the most correct choice in the present.”
Liang Yuanjing let out a light scoff. “But sometimes, we cannot achieve complete rationality.”
“If you can’t, then you must.”
“When you become a pilot, your decisions carry the fate of everyone.”
The instructor looked at him with frustration, as if hating iron for not turning into steel. “Liang Yuanjing, if there’s something you can’t figure out, then stand here and calm down properly—calm down until you can make a rational decision.”
The overcast sky finally brought dark clouds.
At first, it was a gentle drizzle, then the rain threads stretched into lines. Gradually, the lingering rain turned into pattering raindrops that drummed noisily on the plastic shelter above Tao Shuran’s head.
In the past, Tao Shuran had always seen autumn rain as a lingering, poetic image. She never knew that one day it could become a hurtful weapon.
She watched as Liang Yuanjing stood in the open ground from overcast skies into the downpour. He stood tall like a poplar tree, his upright posture unchanging.
So, what was the thing that made it impossible for him to decide?
Was it the decision to abandon her between reason and emotion?
In the torrential downpour, Tao Shuran crouched down miserably.
She recalled what Fu Changpei had said to her earlier that day.
“Do you know why Liang Yuanjing has never been in a relationship?”
“It’s because he takes feelings very seriously. After junior year, he’ll head to Jingbei for intensive training, and it might even be earlier. He feels it would hold a girl back too much. In his view, dreams and romance cannot coexist.”
“He likes someone with the kind of devotion that would pluck the stars and moon from the sky for her.”
Tao Shuran thought that her superfluous emotions had caused trouble for his dreams.
This was absolutely not her intention.
The pouring rain soaked her cheeks, carrying down two streams of bitter tears.
Tao Shuran swallowed the bitterness filling her chest and, with near-numb emotions, dialed a phone call.
In her line of sight, Liang Yuanjing’s hand hanging at his side moved. Soon, he pulled out his phone, and a faint voice drifted through the curtain of rain.
Tao Shuran’s tear-blurred vision grew hazy.
She choked out, “Liang Yuanjing, I’m sorry.”
Liang Yuanjing frowned and asked her, “What do you mean by ‘sorry’?”
Tao Shuran steadied her emotions for a moment before slowly speaking—
“No regrets, no second thoughts.”
“It ends here.”